


Cul-de-Chat

by AciidHeart



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, I promise, M/M, Multi, Relationships to be added - Freeform, Tags to be added, but everyone will be here mostly, chat fic, not everyone shows up at once, this is one hundred percent indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 03:36:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11660817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AciidHeart/pseuds/AciidHeart
Summary: The dads of Maple Bay get together in a group chat. Things 100% do not go well.





	1. Maple Bads

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 



> This is going to be a mess but I promise something will maybe come out of it  
> Also I don’t have access to the game yet so if I mess up on their typing styles I’ll probably go back and change things so bear with me

**Group chat created: [MAPLE BAY DADS]**

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] added [ROBERT SMALL],  [DAMIEN BLOODMARCH], [CRAIG CAHN], [MAT SELLA], [HUGO VEGA], [BRIAN HARDING], AND [GABRIEL AMADOR] to [MAPLE BAY DADS].**

 

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] is online.**

**[ROBERT SMALL] is online.**

**[CRAIG CAHN] is online.**

**[GABRIEL AMADOR] is online.**

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

 

ROBERT SMALL: hey quick question

ROBERT SMALL: what the fuck is this

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: It’s a group chat!! So we can all chat in one place :)

ROBERT SMALL: why though

ROBERT SMALL: we’re literally all right next door to each other

CRAIG CAHN: What’s up, guys? We’re doing a group chat now??

MAT SELLA: ??

GABRIEL AMADOR: Why is my phone going off so much?

GABRIEL AMADOR: What is this?

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I figured if we need to coordinate anything together this would be the easiest way to do it!!

ROBERT SMALL: okay but why

ROBERT SMALL: i have other things to do

ROBERT SMALL: like not shower

ROBERT SMALL: and literally anything but this

GABRIEL AMADOR: You should shower, Robert.

ROBERT SMALL: fuck you i do what i want

GABRIEL AMADOR: Have you seen that new ghost hunting TV show yet? “Outback Ghost Hunters Extravaganza”?

ROBERT SMALL: no not yet

ROBERT SMALL: why

GABRIEL AMADOR: Well, I’ve seen the first three episodes already. I can spoil them for you if you’d like.

ROBERT SMALL: gabriel

ROBERT SMALL: _gabriel_

ROBERT SMALL: _you wouldn’t_

GABRIEL AMADOR: Maybe I would.

CRAIG CAHN: Ouch, buddy. Going straight in for the kill

ROBERT SMALL: what the fuck is this blackmail

ROBERT SMALL: _fine_ ill go shower

ROBERT SMALL: i hate you

GABRIEL AMADOR: :)

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: You guys! This is supposed to be an event coordination group chat. You know, fundraisers, field trips, school dances…

MAT SELLA: It doesn’t look like that’s what’s happening here

CRAIG CAHN: Yeah, it doesn’t.

CRAIG CAHN: Shrugging.

ROBERT SMALL: you literally have emojis _right on your phone_ you dont have to write shit out like that

CRAIG CAHN: Wait, really?

CRAIG CAHN: How

ROBERT SMALL: i can offer no more information

ROBERT SMALL: im being forced to shower

ROBERT SMALL: bye

**[ROBERT SMALL] is offline.**

CRAIG CAHN: WAIT

CRAIG CAHN: NOW I’LL NEVER KNOW HOW TO USE EMOJIS

CRAIG CAHN: DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO USE EMOJIS

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: Nope!

MAT SELLA: No not really

GABRIEL AMADOR: Uhh, no?

CRAIG CAHN: FUCK

GABRIEL AMADOR: I know Amanda tried teaching me how to use emojis, but I can’t remember what she showed me.

GABRIEL AMADOR: Something about the keyboard.

MAT SELLA: Sorry, bud

MAT SELLA: No emojis for us, I guess

CRAIG CAHN: All this time and I was none the wiser

CRAIG CAHN: What other secrets are being hidden from us

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: The world may never know.

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: Anyway, I have to go pick the kids up from school!! I’ll talk to you guys later!!! :)

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] is offline.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

BRIAN HARDING: hey guys!! What’s this?

MAT SELLA: Group chat for us dads to coordinate and stuff together

CRAIG CAHN: I mean _technically_

CRAIG CAHN: But the more pressing issue is that Robert might be the only one here that knows how to use emojis

CRAIG CAHN: And he’s keeping this crucial information from us.

BRIAN HARDING: wait he does??

BRIAN HARDING: daisy tried showing me but I never got the hang of it

CRAIG CAHN: We’re all doomed

CRAIG CAHN: …

CRAIG CAHN: Frowny Face.

**[ROBERT SMALL] is online.**

ROBERT SMALL: _what did I just say_

**[ROBERT SMALL] is offline.**

GABRIEL AMADOR: How did he do that?

MAT SELLA: Your guess is as good as mine

BRIAN HARDING: yeah that was scarily good timing

CRAIG CAHN: Guys I think Robert hates me now

MAT SELLA: You might want to learn how to use emojis fast

MAT SELLA: We all do

GABRIEL AMADOR: If we don’t Robert might disown us all.

BRIAN HARDING: i thought he did that years ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is Dadsona dating, you ask? The world may never know (the world will probably know soon-ish actually) 
> 
> Also give me a follow on Tumblr at bloodmxrch if you'd like to badger me and whatnot about the fic!


	2. Maple Bads 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has very strong feelings about cryptids and everything is a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter!! I've been cranking out some writing for this like nobody's business so chapter 3 will be up tomorrow!

**[CRAIG CAHN] is online.**

**[HUGO VEGA] is online.**

**[ROBERT SMALL] is online.**

**[DAMIEN** **BLOODMARCH] is online.**

CRAIG CAHN: Hey Robert

ROBERT SMALL: dont call me that

CRAIG CAHN: Hey Brobert

ROBERT SMALL: i dont ever want you to say that again

ROBERT SMALL: least of all to me

CRAIG CAHN: Hey Dude??

ROBERT SMALL: what

CRAIG CAHN: Dragons are cryptids right??

HUGO VEGA: ...What is going on right now?

ROBERT SMALL:  **_what_ **

ROBERT SMALL:  **_what the fuck did you just say cahn_ **

CRAIG CAHN: ???? I asked about the status of dragons and their cryptidness

DAMIEN BLOODMARCH: I don’t believe a dragon could be classified as a cryptid.

CRAIG CAHN:  _ Then what’s the point??? _

ROBERT SMALL:  _ craigson cahn i can see your house through my window _

ROBERT SMALL:  _ dont test me _

HUGO VEGA: It says this chat is called “Maple Bay Dads”? Who made this?

CRAIG CAHN: I DARE you to try, bro.

DAMIEN BLOODMARCH: I believe Joseph made this group chat.

ROBERT SMALL: youre gonna give me heart palpitations cahn i hate you

CRAIG CAHN: Maybe you should join me for a jog, then. Hard to get heart palpitations if you’re in AWESOME shape

ROBERT SMALL: i dont need to be in any kind of shape to kick your ass

ROBERT SMALL: actually wait this full name thing is annoying me

ROBERT SMALL: hold on a second

**[ROBERT SMALL] name change: [FUCK MOTHMAN]**

FUCK MOTHMAN: there thats better

CRAIG CAHN: It’s really not

HUGO VEGA: Why did Joseph make this chat?

DAMIEN BLOODMARCH: I’m not quite sure.

**[CRAIG CAHN] name change: [#1 Bro]**

#1 Bro: I didn’t even know we could change our nicknames

#1 Bro: This is awesome!

**[DAMIEN BLOODMARCH] name change: [Damien]**

Damien: So it appears. Good eye, Robert.

HUGO VEGA: Where is Joseph?

Damien: It seems as though he’s offline at the moment.

FUCK MOTHMAN: @JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN

FUCK MOTHMAN: get over here 

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] is online.**

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: Hey! What’s up?

HUGO VEGA: Hello, Joseph. I just saw this group chat today and I’m  _ very _ confused.

Damien: As am I.

Damien: What exactly is the purpose of this chat?

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: It’s a coordination group! If we need to organize any events or meet ups then we can just all congregate here! :)

Damien: Oh.

HUGO VEGA: We’re all neighbors, though.

HUGO VEGA: I wouldn’t have thought that something like this would be necessary.

FUCK MOTHMAN: you  _ see _

FUCK MOTHMAN: i could literally just yell out of my window

FUCK MOTHMAN: and everyone would hear it

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I don’t think that would be a good idea.

FUCK MOTHMAN: what do you know about good ideas

FUCK MOTHMAN: when have you ever had a good idea

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I would say it was a good idea to ask Gabriel to help me with baking! We did great at the bake sale a few weeks back.

FUCK MOTHMAN:

Damien: I wish I could have visited the bake sale. I hear your brownies were quite delicious.

HUGO VEGA: I heard the same. Try to save us some next time.

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: Will do!! :)

FUCK MOTHMAN: is that the only emoticon you know how to use joseph

FUCK MOTHMAN: because if so

FUCK MOTHMAN: im both disappointed and not at all surprised

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: :(

#1 Bro: WAIT I almost forgot!!!! Robert, my guy!!!!

#1 Bro: You  _ have _ to show me how to use emojis!!!!

FUCK MOTHMAN: i really dont

FUCK MOTHMAN: why do you want to learn anyway

#1 Bro: They look like fun!

Damien: They do look amusing.

HUGO VEGA: What sorts of emojis would you even use?

#1 Bro: Robert. My bro. My dude.

#1 Bro: Is there are dumbbell emoji???

FUCK MOTHMAN: that is literally the most ridiculous question

FUCK MOTHMAN: you have  _ ever _ asked me

#1 Bro: But  _ is _ there one?????

#1 Bro: Come on I have to know

#1 Bro: Quick, I have to leave soon

#1 Bro: Practice is starting in fifteen minutes

FUCK MOTHMAN: yes there is a dumbbell emoji

FUCK MOTHMAN: ill show you next time theres a barbecue or something

#1 Bro: Bro!!! Thank you!!

FUCK MOTHMAN: just get to your practice already

FUCK MOTHMAN: begone

#1 Bro: Aww, Sad Face. I didn’t know you wanted to get rid of me that badly!

#1 Bro: Haha, just kidding. I’ll see you guys later!

**[#1 Bro] is offline.**

Damien: Hugo, would you like to accompany me to the book shop? I heard from Gabriel that there are some promising new arrivals.

HUGO VEGA: We can go on Monday if you want.

Damien: I should be available that day.

FUCK MOTHMAN: oh my god shut up

FUCK MOTHMAN: wait why does cahn have fucking practice

FUCK MOTHMAN: it's like 9am

HUGO VEGA: Craig’s softball practices have always been in the morning.

FUCK MOTHMAN: youre kidding me

HUGO VEGA: I’m not.

FUCK MOTHMAN: what the fuck

FUCK MOTHMAN: what child would willingly get up that early

FUCK MOTHMAN: for  _ softball _

**[GABRIEL AMADOR] is online.**

FUCK MOTHMAN:  _ gabriel _

GABRIEL AMADOR: What?

GABRIEL AMADOR: Wait, is that you, Robert?

FUCK MOTHMAN: yes

FUCK MOTHMAN: i changed my nickname

FUCK MOTHMAN: not the point though

FUCK MOTHMAN: what is cahn’s damage

GABRIEL AMADOR: What do you mean?

FUCK MOTHMAN: i mean that hes actually the worst

FUCK MOTHMAN: he honest to god asked me if dragons were cryptids

GABRIEL AMADOR: Well, you’ve never seen one, have you?

GABRIEL AMADOR: What makes something a cryptid?

Damien: He does have an interesting point.

HUGO VEGA: Why is this discussion happening in the first place?

FUCK MOTHMAN: because its  _ important _

FUCK MOTHMAN: okay so a cryptid

FUCK MOTHMAN: is something whose existence is questionable

GABRIEL AMADOR: So it sounds like Craig wasn’t  _ wrong _ . 

GABRIEL AMADOR: Just… a little unorthodox.

FUCK MOTHMAN: the fact that he gets to skirt by

FUCK MOTHMAN: on a  _ technicality _ of all things

FUCK MOTHMAN: i hate him even more

FUCK MOTHMAN: hes worse than the worst

GABRIEL AMADOR: You’re being a bit dramatic.

FUCK MOTHMAN: am i though

Damien: You are being a bit dramatic, Robert.

HUGO VEGA: As much as I’d love to stay and watch this… discussion, I have to go and finish some lesson plans. Goodnight, everyone.

**[HUGO VEGA] is offline.**

Damien: It is getting rather late. I believe I’ll take my leave as well.

Damien: Are you still available tomorrow, Gabriel?

GABRIEL AMADOR: Yeah, I am! I’m going out for lunch with Amanda tomorrow, though, so sometime after noon would be best for me.

GABRIEL AMADOR: Is that alright?

Damien: Yes, that will work. I’ll see you then.

**[Damien] is offline.**

FUCK MOTHMAN: gabriel i cant believe you took cahns side on this

GABRIEL AMADOR: I’m sorry, Robert. 

FUCK MOTHMAN: no youre not you traitor

FUCK MOTHMAN: also for the love of god change your nickname

GABRIEL AMADOR: ...I don’t know how to do that.

GABRIEL AMADOR: I’ll ask Amanda tomorrow. Get some rest, Robert.

FUCK MOTHMAN: fine

FUCK MOTHMAN: since you asked so nicely

GABRIEL AMADOR: Goodnight!

FUCK MOTHMAN: night

**[FUCK MOTHMAN] is offline.**

**[GABRIEL AMADOR] is offline.**

**[#** **1 Bro] is online.**

#1 Bro:  _ Wait did Robert call me Craigson _   
#1 Bro:  _ What the fuck _


	3. Mr. Mothman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which mothman comes to spite Robert (among a couple of other things.)

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] is online.**

**[FUCK MOTHMAN] is online.**

**[Damien] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

**[GABRIEL AMADOR] is online.**

GABRIEL AMADOR: So Amanda is going to teach me how to change my nickname.

GABRIEL AMADOR: And she asked that I share her wisdom here with everyone.

FUCK MOTHMAN: why are all of you so incompetent with technology

BRIAN HARDING: we’re dads. this stuff moves too quickly for me to keep up with anymore

FUCK MOTHMAN: weak excuse

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I like to think that I’m okay with technology!

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I guess you could say that I have…

FUCK MOTHMAN: don't

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: ...some techKNOWLEDGEy!

FUCK MOTHMAN: shoddy setup

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: :(

FUCK MOTHMAN: but i’ll let it slide

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: :D

Damien: I didn’t deem it necessary to learn the finer nuances of everyday technology.

Damien: As long as I know the basics, I am alright.

BRIAN HARDING: yeah i’m good with only knowing what i need to know!

FUCK MOTHMAN: i cant believe you guys

FUCK MOTHMAN: **wait**

FUCK MOTHMAN: _i can change other nicknames in this chat_

FUCK MOTHMAN: _did joseph make me a moderator_

FUCK MOTHMAN: @JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN did you make me a moderator

JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN: I don’t know! I haven’t checked all of the settings for this chat.

FUCK MOTHMAN: _i can feel the power emanating from my bones_

FUCK MOTHMAN: watch this

**[JOSEPH CHRISTIANSEN] name change by [FUCK MOTHMAN]: [Wonderbread]**

Wonderbread: Hey!!! What did you do??

FUCK MOTHMAN: made some improvements

Wonderbread: :(

FUCK MOTHMAN: @GABRIEL AMADOR do you want me to change your nickname for you or is Amanda still doing that

**[GABRIEL AMADOR] name change: [AMANDA IS THE COOLEST]**

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: I don’t know what she did and I don’t know how to change it back.

FUCK MOTHMAN: okay i can change that for you if you want

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: Yes pledfjsdjfdssajlkaatgggfdh

FUCK MOTHMAN: gabriel

Wonderbread: Gabriel? Are you okay??

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: yo what is this

FUCK MOTHMAN: who are you

FUCK MOTHMAN: **what have you done with gabriel**

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: mothman ate him

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: rip in fucking pieces gabriel amador

FUCK MOTHMAN: **_that monster_ **

**[FUCK MOTHMAN] name change: [MOTHMAN ATE MY SON]**

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i cant believe you've done this

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: what the fuck

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: actually what even is this chat

Damien: A group chat for the dads of Maple Bay to congregate and coordinate things together.

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: i’m seeing exactly 0 of any of that happening right now

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: it's a work in progress

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: so are you going to give your dad his phone back or what

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: idk I ran up a flight of stairs since we’re at the mall rn and I have no idea where he went

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: I think I lost him

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: Also hi Damien

Damien: Hello, Amanda. How are you?

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: good!! Thanks for the new tripod btw, it’s really nice

Damien: You’re very welcome. I’m glad you like it.

BRIAN HARDING: oh hi amanda!! We missed you at the barbecue yesterday!

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: oh yeah sorry i was a bit busy with homework! i’ll try to make it next time I promise

BRIAN HARDING: no worries! Working hard is always a priority

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: oop I found dad

AMANDA IS THE COOLEST: he’s…

**[AMANDA IS THE COOLEST] is offline.**

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: **_that mothman son of a bitch got amanda too_ **

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: **_does the monster know no limits_ **

BRIAN HARDING: robert I don’t think either of them are in any actual danger

Damien: I would hope not. Gabriel is supposed to join me at the cinema in an hour.

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: mothman is moth _banned_

Wonderbread: I bet they’re fine!

Wonderbread: I’ve got to help set up another bake sale at the church, so I’ll see you guys later!! :)

**[Wonderbread] is offline.**

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: okay guys i have a plan to get gabriel and amanda back

Damien: I don’t think I want to hear this plan.

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: listen

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: **damien**

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i cant believe you wouldnt trust me to have a good plan

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: my mothplan

BRIAN HARDING: ha!

BRIAN HARDING: Unless that plan involves going to the mall and seeing if they’re okay or just calling them, then I don’t think I want to hear it either

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: you guys have absolutely no faith in me

BRIAN HARDING: …  
  
Damien: …

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: _wow_

**[AMANDA IS THE COOLEST] is online.**

**[AMANDA IS THE COOLEST] name change: [Gabe]**

Gabe: Amanda almost killed me.

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: how

Gabe: After she took my phone I had to run across the entire length of the mall and up a flight of stairs.

Gabe: My chest and knees hurt.

Gabe: Also, why did you change your nickname again?

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: it was fitting for the situation

Gabe: I’m not your son, though.

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: do

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: do you not get the joke

Gabe: No?

Gabe: Should I?

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i

BRIAN HARDING: yeah I wasn’t exactly sure what you were referencing either

Damien: I must admit the same.

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i can’t believe this

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i look like a goddamn _fool_ now

**[#1 Bro] is online.**

#1 Bro: Hey guys!! Great day out, huh?

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: oh fuck small talk

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: my eyes are burning

#1 Bro: What?! Why??

Damien: Is something wrong?

BRIAN HARDING: are you okay??

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: _i didn't mean it literally oh my god_

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i just hate small talk

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: and i was offended that cahn brought fucking small talk into this chat

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: hence “my eyes are burning”

Gabe: I… don’t really get the correlation.

Gabe: But okay?

#1 Bro: Bro is your nickname supposed to be a reference to something?

MOTHMAN ATE MY SON: i hate all of you

**[MOTHMAN ATE MY SON] name change: [Fuckhands McMike]**

Fuckhands McMike: wait shit

Fuckhands McMike: thats not what i wanted to do

Gabe: Robert, where do you keep getting these nicknames???

#1 Bro: I’m wondering the same thing

Damien: I also find myself confused by your nickname choices.

Fuckhands McMike: actually i just thought of something

Fuckhands McMike: my daughter is literally not here

Fuckhands McMike: she is not in my care

FuckHands McMike: i am not a father that is currently on active duty

Fuckhands McMike: why was i added to this chat in the first place

Gabe: That’s… a good question.

Gabe: Uhh, how do I do this?

Gabe: @Wonderbread

Gabe: Why _did_ you add Robert to this chat if he’s not an active duty dad right now?

Damien: You bring up a very good point.

#1 Bro: Does it even matter now?

#1 Bro: This hasn’t exactly been panning out the way Joseph wanted it to.

Fuckhands McMike: well you're not wrong cahn

Fuckhands McMike: but i still want to know

Gabe: Oh!! Damien, if we don’t leave soon the seats at the theater might get filled up!

Damien: !

Damien: I can meet you there in ten minutes.

Gabe: Okay! Be quick!

Gabe: Damien and I are going to be away for awhile!!

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**[Damien] is offline.**

BRIAN HARDING: i’m kind of glad Hugo wasn’t here to see any of this

#1 Bro: I know. Lucky bastard is too busy teaching or something to be subjected to this travesty

Fuckhands McMike: @HUGO VEGA

Fuckhands McMike: @HUGO VEGA

Fuckhands McMike: @HUGO VEGA

**[HUGO VEGA] is online.**

HUGO VEGA: Who is that?

Fuckhands McMike: i cant believe you don't recognize your best friend

Fuckhands McMike: Fuckands McMike

HUGO VEGA: Is that you, Robert?

HUGO VEGA: Sorry, I’m a little busy right now. I can talk tomorrow.

**[HUGO VEGA] is offline.**

BRIAN HARDING: was there any point in you doing that?

Fuckhands McMike: not really

Fuckhands McMike: im off today and have nothing else better to do

#1 Bro: Come work out with me then.

Fuckhands McMike: do what now

BRIAN HARDING: @everyone i may be planning another barbecue for next week so be on the lookout for that!

BRIAN HARDING: daisy and I are going to eat lunch and take the dog out for a walk

BRIAN HARDING: see you guys later!

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

#1 Bro: I’m serious! You could do with getting out more.

Fuckhands McMike: i get out

Fuckhands McMike: just because im not pumping kale into my bloodstream

Fuckhands McMike: does _not_ mean i dont get out enough

#1 Bro: If I was actually pumping kale into my bloodstream I would’ve been dead a long time ago.

Fuckhands McMike: that's the spirit

Fuckhands McMike: where are you at right now then

#1 Bro: Just about to leave the house and head to the gym.

#1 Bro: You wanna come with?

Fuckhands McMike:

Fuckhands McMike: maybe

Fuckhands McMike: give me like ten minutes i guess

#1 Bro: !!

#1 Bro: This is gonna be fun, dude!

Fuckhands McMike: i refuse to do anything except go onto the treadmill

Fuckhands McMike: at a brisk but leisurely pace

#1 Bro: Everyone’s gotta start somewhere!

Fuckhands McMike: wait

Fuckhands McMike: joseph is going to be offline until later tonight

#1 Bro: Yeah?

**[Wonderbread] nickname change by [Fuckhands McMike]: [Mr. Jesus Man]**

Fuckhands McMike: okay im gonna start getting ready

#1 Bro: Please don’t ever change my nickname.

Fuckhands McMike: no problem boblem

Fuckhands McMike: _well_

Fuckhands McMike: never saying that again

#1 Bro: Yeah please don’t.

#1 Bro: Oh my god we forgot

#1 Bro: Gabriel never showed the rest of us how to change nicknames

#1 Bro: @Gabe

Fuckhands McMike: he cant help you now

Fuckhands McMike: im the god of chat nicknames

#1 Bro: Please be merciful

  
Fuckhands McMike: no promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus these chapters keep getting longer and I’m not sure how things got this out of hand
> 
> (Someone pointed out that I haven't been including terrible dad puns and I'm sorry. I've been about two chapters ahead of what's currently published so it's kinda hard to try and fit puns into what I've already written)
> 
> Also do fics like these even have plots actually? Like is that a thing that happens or


	4. Sports Dads (kind of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the chat is actually used for its intended purpose for a very short time.

**[HUGO VEGA] is online.**

**[Damien] is online.**

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

**[Gabe] is online.**

HUGO VEGA: Should I bother with trying to read what happened while I was gone?

Damien: I wouldn’t recommend it.

MAT SELLA: Why is everyone talking so much in here?

MAT SELLA: How am I supposed to see what everyone else is up to when Robert is changing his nickname all the time?

Gabe: Unfortunately, the chat seems to have wildly gone off track.

MAT SELLA: That’s one way to put it

MAT SELLA: This is a mess

Damien: It kind of is.

HUGO VEGA: For someone who claims to like some silence every once in awhile, Robert sure does talk a lot.

Gabe: I was kind of surprised too.

MAT SELLA: Oh, _now_ he wants to be all Chatty Cathy

Gabe: ?

MAT SELLA: All of us have been trying to get him to be more social for the past few years.

MAT SELLA: It hasn’t been working well

HUGO VEGA: He seems a little more energetic than he did a few months ago.

HUGO VEGA: It’s not like he was _never_ as talkative as he has been recently.

MAT SELLA: Yeah

MAT SELLA: It’s just been a while

Damien: I think we can all agree that it’s nice to see Robert taking better care of himself.

Gabe: Yeah, I know.

Gabe: He actually asked me if he should shave a few days ago.

MAT SELLA: Woah, really?

HUGO VEGA: It’s good to hear that he’s doing better.

HUGO VEGA: I’ve got to run a few errands and then pick Ernest up from his friend’s house.

HUGO VEGA: I’ll talk to you guys later.

**[HUGO VEGA] is offline.**

MAT SELLA: I can chat a bit more next week

MAT SELLA: Things have been surprisingly hectic at The Coffee Spoon

Gabe: Try not to work yourself too hard!

MAT SELLA: Haha, I’ll be sure to look out for myself.

MAT SELLA: I’ll see you guys later!

**[MAT SELLA] is offline.**

**[Mr. Jesus Man] is online.**

**[Fuckhands McMike] is online.**

Fuckhands McMike: i heard you guys talking about me

Gabe: We weren’t having a verbal conversation, Robert.

Fuckhands McMike: then i read while you guys were talking about me

Damien: Unless I am mistaken, the chat says that you just came online.

Fuckhands McMike: oh yeah i forgot all of you are completely useless

Gabe: Hey! Don’t be rude!

Fuckhands McMike: there's a setting that lets you _look_ like you're offline when really you're not

Damien: I don’t quite understand what the purpose of that would be.

Fuckhands McMike: i do what i want amador

Fuckhands McMike: this is my domain

Fuckhands McMike: @Damien it's to be kind of petty and talk to some people

Fuckhands McMike: while other people that you _don't_ want to talk to think you're offline

Damien: An interesting feature, I guess.

Mr. Jesus Man: Morning, everyone!

Mr. Jesus Man: Robert, did you change my nickname again?

Fuckhands McMike: maybe

Fuckhands McMike: do you not like it

Mr. Jesus Man: It’s somehow an improvement from the last one

Mr. Jesus Man:  But I don’t think I would choose a nickname like this for myself.

Fuckhands McMike: i mean you _can_ change it yourself

Fuckhands McMike: im not specifically the nickname changer

Fuckhands McMike: i just happen to have moderator powers

Gabe: I kind of wish you didn’t have those powers.

Fuckhands McMike: **who's going to stop me**

Mr. Jesus Man: @everyone I almost forgot! There’s going to be an activity day at the park this Wednesday. You guys should come!

Fuckhands McMike: yeah

Fuckhands McMike: let me just show up there

Fuckhands McMike: with no kid to do said activities with

Damien: You aren’t required to bring children to the activities.

Fuckhands McMike: oh what really

Fuckhands McMike: gabriel can I get a ride with you

Fuckhands McMike: ill kick your asses in tennis

Gabe: Yes, you can grab a ride with me.

Gabe: Things might be a little tight, though.

Gabe: Wait, you play tennis?

Fuckhands McMike: how

Fuckhands McMike: also yes i play tennis gabriel

Fuckhands McMike: im a mysterious guy

Fuckhands McMike: there's a lot of things you dont know about me

Gabe: I have a five seat car. The lineup seems to be you, Damien, Lucien, and Amanda.

Gabe: It'll be a full house.

Fuckhands McMike: i call shotgun

Gabe: How are you typing so fast?

Gabe: And sorry, bud. Amanda called shotgun yesterday.

Fuckhands McMike: I found a phone with a screen keyboard large enough to accommodate for my gigantic fucking thumbs

Fuckhands McMike: damnit

Fuckhands McMike: also is lucien _really_ going to the park with you guys

Gabe: Yes, actually.

Damien: Spending time with Amanda seems to have lifted his spirits a bit.

Mr. Jesus Man: Glad to hear that you'll be able to make it. :)

Mr. Jesus Man: Mary and I are taking the kids to the doctor, so I have to go!

Mr. Jesus Man: See you guys later!

**[Mr. Jesus Man] is offline.**

Fuckhands McMike: okay so

Fuckhands McMike: i have my cross trainers and whatnot

Fuckhands McMike: but no actual tennis things

Damien: Do you not have them stored away somewhere?

FuckhandsMcMike: i don't think so

Fuckhands McMike: let me check

**[Fuckhands McMike] is idle.**

Gabe: I might have a couple of racquets in my attic?

Gabe: If Robert can't find his things, at least.

Damien: I unfortunately do not have any sporting equipment.

**[Fuckhands McMike] is online.**

Fuckhands McMike: okay so

Fuckhands McMike: i apparently have one (1) tennis ball

Fuckhands McMike: that's it

Gabe: How?

Fuckhands McMike: fuck if i know

Fuckhands McMike: either way i don't have the things necessary to play tennis

Gabe: I just checked with Amanda, and we don't have any racquets. :(

Damien: I have an idea.

Damien: @#1 Bro

**[#1 Bro] is online.**

#1 Bro: Hey what's up guys??

Damien: Robert seems to be in need of some sporting equipment for the activities day at the park on Wednesday.

Fuckhands McMike: i literally have a single tennis ball

Fuckhands McMike: and nothing else

Gabe: Can you hook us up, bro?

#1 Bro: Oh for sure! Lemme just dig around for a second, I should have some racquets and extra balls

Fuckhands McMike: cahn

Fuckhands McMike: you're actually being helpful for once

Fuckhands McMike: what is this feeling

Gabe: Uh, maybe gratefulness?

Fuckhands McMike: what's that

Gabe: You know.

Gabe: Feeling glad that someone could help you out.

Fuckhands McMike: never heard of it

#1 Bro: Yeah it's no problem!! You play tennis?

Fuckhands McMike: i used to play a lot _years_ ago

Fuckhands McMike: idk why i stopped

#1 Bro: We should totally meet up and play sometime!

Damien: It's nice to see that the issue has been resolved.

Damien: I shall see you all on Wednesday, then.

Damien: I will have to acquire some more athletic attire for the event, though.

Gabe: I'll see you, Damien!

#1 Bro: Can't wait, bro!

**[Damien] is offline.**

Fuckhands McMike: okay so just to be sure

Fuckhands McMike: you and damien are a thing right

#1 Bro: I was wondering the same thing myself! You guys have been spending a lot of time together lately! :D

Gabe: Uhhh

Gabe: Yes???

Fuckhands McMike: oh fuck yup

Fuckhands McMike: go get ‘em, tiger

#1 Bro: Oh congrats dude!! I'm happy for you!

Gabe: Robert!!!!

Fuckhands McMike: who's robert

Fuckhands McMike: it is i

Fuckhands McMike: Fuckhands McMike

Gabe: Robert.

Fuckhands McMike: gabe.

Gabe: And thanks bro!! I've been really happy with him.

Gabe: Damien’s right, too. Lucien and Amanda seem to be getting on well.

#1 Bro: Nice, dude!! Glad to hear it!!

Fuckhands McMike: also gabe i have a question for you

Gabe: What is it?

Fuckhands McMike: when was the last time you touched up your hair

Gabe: Uh, I'm not sure. Why?

Fuckhands McMike: i’m acting on a whim here

Fuckhands McMike: but i might want to do something with my hair next time you touch up

#1 Bro: Broadening those horizons, I see!

Gabe: Oh really? That would be fun!

Gabe: What were you thinking of doing?

Fuckhands McMike: maybe just a streak or something

Fuckhands McMike: would red look cool

#1 Bro: Hell yeah!!

#1 Bro: I should get a streak too

#1 Bro: So we can all match!!

Fuckhands McMike: i change my mind

Fuckhands McMike: gabe

Fuckhands McMike: i want you to shave my head

#1 Bro: Awwww :(

#1 Bro: You still owe me that dumbbell emoji, Rob.

Fuckhands McMike: if you maybe don't call me that then i’ll think about it

#1 Bro: !!!

#1 Bro: You already promised!

Gabe: You _did_ make a promise, Robert.

Fuckhands McMike: gabe did you _just_ figure out how to use italics

Gabe: I think so?

Gabe: Also don't change the subject.

Fuckhands McMike: _fine_ let me pull up screen caps to illustrate the process really quick

Gabe: ??

#1 Bro: I only have a vague idea as to what he meant by that.

Fuckhands McMike: wait shit

Fuckhands McMike: what kind of phones do you have

Gabe: Uhh.

Gabe: Amanda told me I have a Nebula X5.

#1 Bro: I have the same phone, actually

Fuckhands McMike: okay good we all have the same phone

Fuckhands McMike: the same gigantic yet stylish phone

**[Fuckhands McMike] is idle.**

Gabe: Apparently it’s a newer model?  
  
#1 Bro: Yeah the X5 is the newest in the Nebula series!

Gabe: How did I end up with a modern and fancy phone?

#1 Bro: Aren’t you the one who picked it out?

Gabe: Amanda picked it out for me. This phone’s new.

Gabe: …

Gabe: Is _this_ why our phone bill is so high?!

#1 Bro: Holy shit dude

**[Fuckhands McMike] is online.**

Fuckhands McMike: okay so i have the screen cap to show you how to use those spicy emojis

Fuckhands McMike: since you guys were bothering me so much

  
Fuckhands McMike: i opened up my notes app just to have a place to type shit out

Fuckhands McMike: and not have to worry about sending a text on accident or something

Gabe: The notes app is called Nebula Note Taker, right?

Fuckhands McMike: yes

Fuckhands McMike: [IMG: i circled it for you idiots.jpg]

Fuckhands McMike: so tap the little gear icon and hold it for a second

Fuckhands McMike: a menu should open up

Fuckhands McMike: and then you click on the smiley face icon

#1 Bro: Sounds easy enough!

Gabe: I appreciate the visual helper.

Fuckhands McMike: no problem

Fuckhands McMike: even though it feels like a fever dream that i’m teaching you guys this in the first place

#1 Bro: ...

#1 Bro: Okay. I gotta be honest here.

#1 Bro: These are kind of ugly.

Fuckhands McMike: what

Fuckhands McMike: _what_

Gabe: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of them myself.

Fuckhands McMike: _after all this_

Fuckhands McMike: _after all the effort i put into bestowing this knowledge onto you_

Fuckhands McMike: _and you don't like them_

Fuckhands McMike: **_what the fuck_ **

#1 Bro: I didn't know they were gonna look like that!

Fuckhands McMike: i did so much for you

Fuckhands McMike: and _this_ is how you repay me

Gabe: If they made the emojis look nicer then maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way.

Fuckhands McMike: i feel so betrayed right now

#1 Bro: Sorry, bro. I just don't like ‘em much.

Gabe: Yeah, neither do I.

Fuckhands McMike: what kind of sad life are you guys living if you don't like emojis

Fuckhands McMike: i guess i can't take you to go see the emoji movie now

Gabe: The what?

#1 Bro: There’s an emoji movie?

Fuckhands McMike: i know it's amazing

Fuckhands McMike: the reviews on it are all pretty positive

Fuckhands McMike: it looks promising if I'm gonna be honest here

#1 Bro: Really? What's it about?

Fuckhands McMike: okay so

Fuckhands McMike: there's this emoji named gene right

Fuckhands McMike: and all the other emojis only have their one facial expression

Fuckhands McMike: but **this guy**

Fuckhands McMike: this guy, gene, can make _multiple_ facial expressions

Fuckhands McMike: so he goes on a journey to try and become “normal" like the others

#1 Bro: Huh, interesting!

Gabe: I don't think I've heard of that movie before.

Fuckhands McMike: it just came out so everything is still brand new

Fuckhands McMike: but i can tell it's gonna go down in history as one of the best movies of all time

Fuckhands McMike: anyway it's like midnight already

Fuckhands McMike: stop loitering on my virtual lawn you fucking hooligans

Gabe: Oh yeah!! I completely lost track of time. Goodnight guys!

#1 Bro: G’night bro!!

Fuckhands McMike: before you leave

Fuckhands McMike: let's have a movie night

Fuckhands McMike: i’m taking you guys to go see it

Fuckhands McMike: **_wait holy shit_ **

Fuckhands McMike: **_i can change the group name too_ **

**[MAPLE BAY DADS] name change by [Fuckhands McMike]: [Emoji Movie Enthusiasts]**

Fuckhands McMike: move over mr. jesus man

Fuckhands McMike: i’m the _god_ of this chat now

Gabe: Robert, you’re going mad with power.

#1 Bro: Robert, my guy. Before I forget, we’re still meeting for a jog at 10 tomorrow right??

Fuckhands McMike: maybe it was meant to be this way all along

Fuckhands McMike: fuck i forgot about that

Fuckhands McMike: yeah

Gabe: Robert!! You’re exercising now?

Fuckhands McMike: don’t look at me gabe

Fuckhands McMike: i didn’t want you to see me like this

**[Fuckhands McMike] is offline.**

Gabe: I guess that’s our cue to really go to bed now.

#1 Bro: Yeah totally. I’ll see you on Wednesday, dude!!

Gabe: See you on Wednesday!

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**[#1 Bro] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually looked up the plot of the emoji movie for this and I don't know why I like making myself suffer


	5. The Ultimate Baller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Robert and Craig play some tennis and a few other shenanigans occur.

**[Gabe] is online.**

**[Mr. Jesus Man] is online.**

**[Damien] is online.**

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

**[HUGO VEGA] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

 

BRIAN HARDING: are Robert and Craig playing tennis??

MAT SELLA: Looks like it

MAT SELLA: Didn’t Robert mention once that he used to play?

BRIAN HARDING: I think so

BRIAN HARDING: A long time ago

Mr. Jesus Man: Robert and I used to play sometimes!

Damien: …

Damien: I was not aware of that fact.

Mr. Jesus Man: Uhh…. it was a long time ago.

HUGO VEGA: Am I seeing things, or are the kids _all_ playing soccer together?

MAT SELLA: Oh my god

MAT SELLA: They _are_

HUGO VEGA: Someone please clean my glasses.

HUGO VEGA: I _must_ be seeing things.

HUGO VEGA: Is that _Ernest_ on the field with them?

MAT SELLA: I think it is

BRIAN HARDING: daisy’s out there too!!!!

BRIAN HARDING: it’s nice to see her getting along with the others

HUGO VEGA: I feel like I’m dreaming.

Damien: I believe I see Lucien with them as well.

Damien: This is very strange.

Gabe: Even Amanda’s out there.

Gabe: She’s…. Not the sporty type.

BRIAN HARDING: They’ve been playing for a while!

BRIAN HARDING: should Joseph and I start up the grills?

Mr. Jesus Man: Maybe in a bit! It looks like they’re having fun!

Gabe: Wait, I think Robert and Craig are wrapping up their game.

MAT SELLA: It kind of looks like they’re arguing

BRIAN HARDING: should we see if everything is alright??

Gabe: I don’t know.

Gabe: Craig looks like he’s in the Competitive Zone.

Gabe: Robert looks like he’s being Robert.

MAT SELLA: Good point

MAT SELLA: Hmm

Gabe: Oh no. I think I’m being waved over.

BRIAN HARDING: good luck!

MAT SELLA: Godspeed

Gabe: They’re not going to kill me.

Gabe: I think.

**[Gabe] is idle.**

MAT SELLA: I can see Gabe walking over as slowly as possible

MAT SELLA: What do you think they want him over there for?

BRIAN HARDING: Can’t say

BRIAN HARDING: They don’t seem to be that angry anymore?

HUGO VEGA: You can’t see me from across the field right now, but I’m still surprised beyond belief that Ernest is having what appears to be a good time.

Damien: Remember this moment. It is something to be treasured.

HUGO VEGA: I’m going to take pictures. This is surreal.

Mr. Jesus Man: This is the most fun I’ve seen the kids have outside in a while!

**[Mr. Jesus Man] is offline.**

**[Gabe] is online.**

Gabe: I might be stuck over at the court for a bit.

MAT SELLA: They keeping you hostage?

Gabe: Kind of.

Gabe: Apparently their game got a little too heated, and the score wasn’t kept properly.

Gabe: They want me to keep track of the score now.

MAT SELLA: And you’re texting right now?

Gabe: Their rounds seem to be lasting pretty long.

Gabe: ...I don’t remember how scoring in tennis works.

BRIAN HARDING: you better remember quick!

BRIAN HARDING: If you don’t keep an accurate score then they just might get into a fight

MAT SELLA: They didn’t ask you if you knew how to keep score before you agreed?

Gabe: I guess they just assumed I would know what I was doing.

Gabe: They didn’t seem to be paying too much attention.

MAT SELLA: They must be in The Zone then

Gabe: Okay, I actually have to pay attention to the game now, otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it.

**[Gabe] is offline.**

Damien: Robert looks like he’s using his racquet as if it were a bat.

Damien: His swings are very calculated, though.

HUGO VEGA: How can you tell what’s going on? I’m by the picnic tables. It’s too far away.

MAT SELLA: Yeah I’m closer to the field so I can watch the kids playing soccer

BRIAN HARDING: The picnic tables and grills are just far away enough for us to barely be able to tell what’s going on

Damien: I’m a bit closer to the court. I was with Gabriel before he was called over.

MAT SELLA: Give us a play by play then!

MAT SELLA: I’m dying to know what they’re up to

BRIAN HARDING: You do know about tennis, right Damien?

Damien: Yes. I do not play the sport myself, but I am aware of its rules and workings.

HUGO VEGA: Are they playing a full match, or just a couple of games?

Damien: It appears to be a full match. They’re in the middle of their first set right now.

HUGO VEGA: Oh my.

BRIAN HARDING: I gotta say I'm a little fuzzy on how tennis works

BRIAN HARDING: Match? Set? Game?

Damien: Oh, Robert’s stopped batting with his racquet. He looks serious now.

Damien: A match of tennis has two to three sets. Each set is played until someone wins at least six games.

Damien: You must win two sets to win the match. If each player wins one set, then a third is played to break the tie.

HUGO VEGA: In other words, a full on match can take a _long_ time.

BRIAN HARDING: That doesn’t sound good

MAT SELLA: It’s like 1 right now

MAT SELLA: They’ll be finished by the time dinner rolls around, right?

HUGO VEGA: We’ll see.

Damien: Gabriel remembered how game scoring works, so I have a better idea as to what’s going on now.

Damien: They’re in their fourth game, and Robert is beating Craig with 3-1 right now.

Damien: The current game is at 30-love in Robert’s favor.

MAT SELLA: Holy shit

MAT SELLA: I thought it was years since Robert’s last played?

BRIAN HARDING: Poor Craig

BRIAN HARDING: He’s getting demolished

HUGO VEGA: I didn’t know Robert had it in him still. It’s pretty impressive.

Damien: Well.

Damien: They’re onto their next game. 3-2.

Damien: Robert doesn’t look too pleased about losing this game.

**[Gabe] is online.**

Gabe: This is the craziest tennis match I’ve ever seen.

Gabe: Is there someone keeping an eye on the kids?

MAT SELLA: Yeah, I’m close enough to see what’s going on

MAT SELLA: Amanda and Lucien seem to have everything under control

Damien: Lucien? I’m happy to hear that he’s enjoying himself.

Gabe: Yeah, that is nice to hear!

Gabe: Okay, I think their break is over. I have to get back to keeping score.

**[Gabe] is offline.**

BRIAN HARDING: I knew Robert was competitive

BRIAN HARDING: but I didn’t think he was _this_ competitive!

MAT SELLA: Somehow I’m not surprised

HUGO VEGA: Robert is probably _set_ on winning this match.

MAT SELLA: Craig must be _racqu_ ing his brain to try and find a way to win

BRIAN HARDING: Is he being _served_ right now, Damien?

Damien: He is indeed. Things are pretty _tennis_ right now.

Damien: ...

HUGO VEGA: It’s not very easy to make tennis puns.

MAT SELLA: Yeah I’m having a bit of troubling coming up with anything..

Damien: I admit that I’m not proud of mine.

Damien: Okay, now they look angry.

BRIAN HARDING: Oh, the kids are coming back to the tables soon!

BRIAN HARDING: Joseph and I are gonna get lunch started!

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

Damien: Oh my. This match might have to be cut short.

MAT SELLA: What happened?

Damien: Robert is back to batting with his racquet.

Damien: He's….

Damien: I believe he's trying to bat at Craig with the racquet.

HUGO VEGA: Oh boy.

MAT SELLA: Gabe really _is_ going to die

Damien: He's in between the two trying to defuse the situation.

Damien: He looks very frightened.

Damien: !!

**[Damien] is offline.**

MAT SELLA: Oh my god, this might be why Robert stopped playing

HUGO VEGA: Well, then.

**[Damien] is online.**

Damien: It seems as though I was mistaken.

Damien: They've tossed their racquets and begun swinging each other around.

MAT SELLA: I guess the match is over then?

HUGO VEGA: Seems like it.

Damien: [VID: Craig and Robert.mp4]

Damien: I think that worked.

MAT SELLA: Are they… flirting?

HUGO VEGA: I'm surprised Robert was able to pick up Craig so easily.

**[Gabe] is online.**

Gabe: I thought they were going to fight.

Gabe: That was stressful.

MAT SELLA: Important question, though

MAT SELLA: Who won??

Gabe: I think Robert.

Gabe: I also think they’re planning on another competition of sorts.

Gabe: I’ll be over in a bit. I’m _starving_.

MAT SELLA: Please hurry. They got bored with soccer and things are devolving quickly

MAT SELLA: I think Lucien and Ernest are trying to teach the kids how to do running backflips off the goal posts.

Gabe: Isn’t Amanda there with them?? What’s going on?

MAT SELLA: Amanda’s offering moral support

HUGO VEGA: Oh god.

MAT SELLA: Should I call them in for lunch?

HUGO VEGA: Joseph and Brain are grilling up a storm over here.

HUGO VEGA: They should be finished soon.

MAT SELLA: Okay yeah Ernest is hanging off the goal post and they’re dragging out a trash can under him

MAT SELLA: Something bad is about to happen

MAT SELLA: I can feel it.

Damien: What?!

Damien: Oh goodness.

MAT SELLA: Okay the kids are on their way to the tables!

MAT SELLA: Aaaaand Ernest fell in the trash can.

MAT SELLA: And Amanda kicked it over.

MAT SELLA: …

MAT SELLA: Briar and Hazel are rolling it around in the grass.

HUGO VEGA: Is Ernest okay?????

MAT SELLA: Yeah he seems fine, more surprised than anything

MAT SELLA: Lemme go get him out of there

**[MAT SELLA] is idle.**

Damien: That took an unexpected turn.

HUGO VEGA: I could have sworn those trash bins were bolted to the sidewalk.

Damien: If they were, I don’t think I want to know how they managed to get it out.

HUGO VEGA: …

HUGO VEGA: You know what? I don’t think I want to know either.

**[Fuckhands McMike] is online.**

**[#1 Bro] is online.**

**[Fuckhands McMike] name change: [RIP Craig]**

**[#1 Bro] name change by [RIP Craig]: [I’m a Loser]**

RIP Craig: _please_ tell me you guys saw what happened

HUGO VEGA: Mat and I weren’t close enough to see, but Damien gave us a play by play.

RIP Craig: so you know that i absolutely kicked cahn’s ass at tennis just now

I’m a Loser: You said you hadn’t played in years! What the hell was that?

RIP Craig: if i’m gonna be honest here

RIP Craig: i have no idea

RIP Craig: i had the spirits of legendary tennis players on my side

I’m a Loser: You were holding it like a bat for half of the first two games

I’m a Loser: What the fuck

RIP Craig: i guess i’m just that good

HUGO VEGA: Are you guys ready for lunch?

RIP Craig: god yes i’m starving

I’m a Loser: Same! I really worked up an appetite.

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

MAT SELLA: Okay so…

MAT SELLA: I got Ernest out of the trash can and things seem to be settling down

MAT SELLA: They’re heading over to the picnic tables right now

HUGO VEGA: Brian and Joseph are just about wrapping up with the burgers.

RIP Craig: wait _what_

RIP Craig: what the fuck happened while we were playing

MAT SELLA: Long story short, Ernest was hanging from one of the goal posts with a trash can underneath him

MAT SELLA: He fell into it, Amanda kicked it over, Craig’s kids started rolling it around.

MAT SELLA: Everything is fine now though

I’m a Loser: Oh my _god_

I’m a Loser: I thought those bins were bolted to the ground?

HUGO VEGA: I thought the same thing.

MAT SELLA: Yeah it’s probably best that we don’t ask about things we don’t want to hear

RIP Craig: what i wanna know is why they chose to put a trash can underneath him of all things

RIP Craig: you would assume that landing in the grass would be less painful than landing in a metal can

RIP Craig: and getting your body folded up in said metal can

MAT SELLA: The inner workings of a child are a mystery.

MAT SELLA: The best you can do is try to prevent total chaos and work quick with damage control

Gabe: I don’t like admitting it, but Amanda might have been the one to get the can in the first place.

Gabe: She’s… good at breaking things.

RIP Craig: your daughter is an agent of chaos

RIP Craig: we have to stop her

Gabe: She has too much power. I don’t know if we can.

I’m a Loser: This is it, we’re all doomed

Damien: The fun was good while it lasted, I guess.

RIP Craig: oh shit damien you just reminded me

RIP Craig: i have a gift for you

Damien: Oh?

**[Damien] name change by [RIP Craig]: Gothman**

RIP Craig: tada

Gothman: Robert, I wouldn’t consider this a gift.

RIP Craig: i’m not changing it back

Gabe: I thought you didn’t like mothman?

RIP Craig: mothman is bullshit

RIP Craig: but i have to accept the fact that he’s an important part of our lives

RIP Craig: and embrace it

Gothman: So you chose to embrace it by giving _me_ a mothman themed chat name?

RIP Craig: i just changed my nickname to something arguably _way_ more important

RIP Craig: you’re stuck with it now

HUGO VEGA: Okay, food’s ready!

HUGO VEGA: And Robert… based on your earlier definition on what makes something a cryptid, discrediting mothman’s existence is rude and inaccurate.

RIP Craig: don’t you do this to me hugo

RIP Craig: don’t use my words against me like this

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

MAT SELLA: You guys coming to eat?

RIP Craig: cahn and i will be there in a few minutes

RIP Craig: he’s walking really fucking slow

Gabe: Yeah Damien and I will go up right now! We’ll only be a minute or two.

Gabe: I can already smell the burgers!

Gabe: God, I’m hungry.

RIP Craig: the only thing cahn is going to be tasting right now is _defeat_

I’m a Loser: I’ll beat you in that rematch, bro. Don’t get too cocky.

RIP Craig: that match was the first i’ve played in _years_

RIP Craig: literally give me like three days to practice

RIP Craig: and i guarantee i’ll fucking obliterate you

I’m a Loser: We’ll see about that.

Gabe: @everyone Come on, guys!! Let’s eat!

RIP Craig: this isn’t over cahn

RIP Craig: just you wait

MAT SELLA: Aren't you guys walking back together? Why are you talking to each other in the chat?

RIP Craig: oh fuck

RIP Craig: is this what being a teenager is like

RIP Craig: i think my phone is glued to my hand now

**[RIP Craig] is offline.**

**[I’m a Loser] is offline.**

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**[Gothman] is offline.**

**[MAT SELLA] is offline.**

**[HUGO VEGA] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had to look up how scoring in tennis works for this you guys, I hope you’re happy 
> 
> Also sorry if this chapter was a little boring… I’m kind of trying to include actual things happening and not just random one-off conversations,,, There are probably going to be some mini-arcs or something soon so I can really get some content down and make things interesting


	6. Of Mustard and Nicknames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mat and Hugo finally get a taste from the other side and an impromptu intervention goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a few days since the last update! I'm actually doing some outlines and planning the things I want to do moving forward, and "art" like this takes time

**Private Message: [RIP Craig] & [Gothman].**

RIP Craig: Damien you motherfucker

Gothman: ?

RIP Craig: you 100% lied about not knowing technology

RIP Craig: how many times have you lurked on the chat

RIP Craig: _how many secrets do you know_

Gothman: It wasn’t a complete lie. I _do_ know about technology, but I don’t know quite as much specifically about Dadbook and other forms of social media.

RIP Craig: answer the question gothman

Gothman: I don’t know any secrets. There aren’t any secrets being shared in the chat anyway.

RIP Craig: the messages could have been encrypted

RIP Craig: maybe i knew you were spying on us

RIP Craig: and made sure your prying eyes wouldn’t see

Gothman: Oh no, you’ve caught me red-handed. I figured out that you’re plotting to swap out Gabriel’s dye with Kool-Aid.

RIP Craig: and i would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids

Gothman: I’m still unclear as to why this is such an important matter.

RIP Craig: is there even any reason _why_ you didn’t say much about your tech knowledge

RIP Craig: it’s not some horrible secret

Gothman: …

RIP Craig: oh so there _is_ a reason you kept your mouth shut

RIP Craig: spill it

RIP Craig: come on dames

Gothman: Well…

Gothman: Despite any previous comments I may have made in the past, Gabriel doesn’t know much about other… facets of my life.

RIP Craig: does

RIP Craig: does he _really_ not know that you’re just like

RIP Craig: a normal guy

RIP Craig: you mentioned buying athletic stuff for the activities day

RIP Craig: but you literally showed up with your cloak and shit like usual

Gothman: I… don’t know how he’d react.

RIP Craig: how else would Gabe react to finding out that you’re not actually a vampire

Gothman: He seems so fascinated with me because of my interests. That hasn’t extended past my interest in the Victorian Era.

RIP Craig: i mean i can’t tell you how to go about this kinda thing

RIP Craig: but here’s some unwarranted advice anyway

RIP Craig: he literally will not care

Gothman: If that turns out to be the case in the future, then I’ll be grateful.

Gothman: As it stands now, though, I don’t know for sure how he’ll react.

Gothman: Please don’t say anything.

RIP Craig: if you _really_ don’t want me to then i won’t

RIP Craig: even tho i don’t see why it should be an issue in the first place

Gothman: Thank you, Robert.

Gothman: I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.

\--/--/--

**Group Message: [Emoji Movie Enthusiasts].**

**[RIP Craig] is online.**

**[MAT SELLA] is online.**

**[HUGO VEGA] is online.**

**[Mr. Jesus Man] is online.**

**[Gabe] is online.**

Mr. Jesus Man: The activities day was a lot of fun, guys! I’m glad everyone could make it!

RIP Craig: i have to admit

RIP Craig: i didn’t expect to have fun

RIP Craig: but beating craig’s ass at tennis really made the whole thing for me

HUGO VEGA: It definitely was a fun day, Joseph. Thanks for organizing it.

MAT SELLA: Yeah totally!

Gabe: Damien and I had a good time. :)

Mr. Jesus Man: That’s wonderful! I’ll have to organize something like this again in the future.

Mr. Jesus Man: Oh, before I forget.

**[Mr. Jesus Man] name change: [Joseph]**

RIP Craig: you’re no fun

Joseph: Sorry, Robert. Your reign over me and my nickname is over.

RIP Craig: i still have the power

RIP Craig: but i’ll show mercy this one time

HUGO VEGA: Are the nicknames really that important?

RIP Craig: _yes hugo_

RIP Craig: change your nickname

RIP Craig: come see what i see

RIP Craig: you too @MAT SELLA

MAT SELLA: I mean, it couldn’t hurt.

MAT SELLA: I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal

HUGO VEGA: I can’t really think of a nickname.

HUGO VEGA: What do you base yours off of, Robert?

RIP Craig: a _feeling_

RIP Craig: something you’re passionate about

RIP Craig: even if it’s completely nonsensical

MAT SELLA: Hmm. I thought of something but it’s kinda dumb

RIP Craig: i doubt it

RIP Craig: try to find a nickname dumber than Fuckhands McMike

RIP Craig: which will forever be one of my greatest accomplishments

Joseph: It was something, alright.

RIP Craig: this is your chance mat

**[MAT SELLA] name change: [Right Said B. Bread]**

RIP Craig: that is so oddly specific to _something_

RIP Craig: okay i’ll bite

RIP Craig: what the fuck

Right Said B. Bread: Gabe and I met at the Coffee Spoon and he helped me come up with a name for my banana bread

Right Said B. Bread: And it rolls off the tongue in a strangely satisfying way.

RIP Craig: okay, in context that’s fucking _genius_

RIP Craig: what about you hugo

HUGO VEGA: Uhh.

**[HUGO VEGA] name change: [The Eastern Dragon]**

RIP Craig: okay i’ll bite again

RIP Craig: what the fuck

The Eastern Dragon: I… know the name from a book.

The Eastern Dragon: I couldn’t think of anything else.

Right Said B. Bread: It sounds pretty cool, though

Right Said B. Bread: Not quite as cool as my Right Said Bread

RIP Craig: that’s the spirit mat

The Eastern Dragon: It _is_ kind of fun to have a nickname like this.

RIP Craig: you see

RIP Craig: this is what it’s all about

Joseph: Oh, before I forget, there’s going to be a dance over at the church in a few days. Anyone who wants to come should drop by!

RIP Craig: mm

Right Said B. Bread: I’ll be sure to keep it in mind! I’m gonna have to ask Carmensita if she wants to go first

The Eastern Dragon: No promises from me, but I’ll ask anyway.

Gabe: Hey guys! Amanda and I are going to have a picnic at the park later today.

Gabe: @everyone Can any of you make it by chance?

RIP Craig: sure

Right Said B. Bread: We may be able to make it!

Joseph: I’ll have to see! :)

**[Gothman] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

**[I’m a Loser] is online.**

Gothman: Lucien and I would be happy to join you.

BRIAN HARDING: Yeah sounds like fun!

I’m A Loser: I’ve gotta drop off Briar at her friend’s house later but River and Hazel would love to come!

The Eastern Dragon: I’m a little busy, so we might not be able to make it. I’ll get back to you on that.

Gabe: Great!! I’ll make sure I have enough food for everyone then.

Gabe: No problem, Hugo! Just let me know.

RIP Craig: what spurred on this big get together anyway

RIP Craig: any reason why you’re mr. social all of a sudden

Gabe: It’s a nice day today. I, uh… figured it would be fun to have you guys around to hang out.

Gothman: It was nice of you to invite all of us.

BRIAN HARDING: Nothing like havin’ a good time with your friends!

BRIAN HARDING: Lemme know when you guys plan on heading out so we can be ready!

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

Right Said B. Bread: I can bring some pastries and stuff for snacks!

Gabe: Oh, that would be great. Do you have any of that banana bread you can bring over?

Right Said B. Bread: I just might…

RIP Craig: mat

RIP Craig: that bread is fucking delicious

RIP Craig: _please_ bring some

Gabe: Robert, you can’t eat all of it if he does.

RIP Craig: what are these accusations

RIP Craig: i know how to moderate what i eat

Joseph: Oh, really? I don’t recall you eating much more than Mac-n-Cheese and peanut butter sandwiches.

Gabe: What? Who eats just peanut butter sandwiches?

RIP Craig: no. i don’t do that anymore.

RIP Craig: gabe don’t come at me like this you hypocrite

RIP Craig: i’ve seen you eat from a jar of mustard because you were too lazy to make a sandwich once

Gabe: _Nobody was supposed to know about that!_

Gothman: That sounds gross, Gabriel.

Gabe: The only reason I don’t stand by that choice is because the mustard was bad. I had to throw it out.

RIP Craig: okay see i was never _that_ bad jesus fuck

RIP Craig: mustard is gross anyway but that’s beside the point

Gabe: Mustard isn't gross. It's a top-tier condiment and I'll thank you kindly to not slander it in such a way.

Gothman: Not really. Mustard isn't very appetizing at all.

RIP Craig: you see

RIP Craig: damien has some sense

Gabe: I can't believe you guys are ganging up on me like this.

I'm a Loser: The mustard out of the jar thing was something he did back in college. It _is_ gross

Joseph: Mustard is pretty good, but I wouldn't eat it out of the jar?

Gabe: I'm being attacked on all sides with no one to protect me!

Gabe: I'm wounded!

I'm a Loser: Bro, the mustard thing has _always_ been gross

Gabe: You drank a jar of marinara sauce for dinner once!

I'm a Loser: Yeah but that was _years_ ago

I’m a Loser: And it’s basically a smoothie

Gabe: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen you try to justify with a _technicality_ of all things.

Joseph: It can't really be that hard to just make a sandwich or something, can it?

Gothman: Apparently you'd be surprised.

Gothman: Gabriel, I ask this of you with the fullest sincerity from the bottom of my heart.

Gothman: Please don't ever eat mustard from the jar again.

RIP Craig: this is officially an intervention

RIP Craig: gabe

RIP Craig: you need to eat not gross foods

RIP Craig: and not give us secondhand food poisoning when we have meals with you

Gabe: …

Gabe: I'm not _that_ bad.

Gabe: Fine, fine. I'll stop eating mustard out of the jar…

Gabe: This is peer pressure.

Gothman: We only have your best interests in mind, Gabriel.

I'm a Loser: It's probably for the best, bro

Gabe: :(

RIP Craig: okay now that we have that out of the way

RIP Craig: craig

RIP Craig: gabe

RIP Craig: craibe

RIP Craig: gaig?

RIP Craig: i have three tickets to the movies

RIP Craig: for tomorrow

Gabe: ?

I’m a Loser: Oh? What movie?

RIP Craig: it’s one of the last batches of shows before the theater stops showing it

Gabe: I have a sneaking suspicion as to what movie this might be.

Gothman: You’ve piqued my curiosity, Robert. What is it?

RIP Craig: honestly dames i’m sorry i couldn’t get you a ticket for this

RIP Craig: you know how i said i was going to take you two to the movies

Gabe: Vaguely?

I’m a Loser: I think so!

RIP Craig: so i managed to grab some tickets to the emoji movie

Gabe: I… didn’t actually think you were going to take us.

I’m a Loser: What! Really?

RIP Craig: [IMG: best movie best tickets.jpg]

RIP Craig: in the flesh

Gabe: I can’t believe we’re actually going to see the Emoji Movie.

Gabe: I think this is supposed to be a good thing?

I’m a Loser: I was def curious! It sounded interesting

RIP Craig: you guys are gonna have a great time

RIP Craig: like i said

RIP Craig: this has a lot of potential

RIP Craig: and i’m genuinely excited to go see this movie with you guys

Gabe: Well, I guess I'm looking forward to it.

Gothman: I hope the three of you have a good time.

I'm a Loser: Thanks Damien! It really _is_ cool of Robert to take us

Gabe: Alrighty so Amanda and I are going to start getting ready!

Gabe: @everyone

Gabe: We'll be heading out in half an hour!

RIP Craig: why do you need half an hour to get ready and walk to the park

RIP Craig: it's literally right there

Gabe: I have to make some food while I wait for Amanda to finish getting ready.

Gabe: It's a process we've perfected over the years.

Gothman: Lucien and I will meet you there.

Joseph: Chris is staying with Mary, but the twins are happy to come! :)

I'm a Loser: We'll meet you there bro!

Right Said B. Bread: I'll bring some of that yummy banana bread :)

Joseph: It's kind of surprising to see the chat being used for it's intended purpose for once.

Gothman: I doubt it will happen again any time soon.

RIP Craig: actually i kind of want to play some more tennis since we'll be at the park

RIP Craig: i forgot how fun it was

Gabe: I played a bit back in college, but I'm rusty. Up for a few games?

RIP Craig: do you even have to ask

RIP Craig: i’ll go easy on you so you can warm back up to it

RIP Craig: @I'm a Loser then we'll finish what we started

I'm a Loser: Oh, you're on.

BRIAN HARDING: I have to see this since I missed it last time!

Right Said B. Bread: Oh me too!

The Eastern Dragon: I won't be able to make it, so someone be sure to record it for me.

Gothman: I've got you covered, Hugo.

The Eastern Dragon: Thanks, Damien.

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

RIP Craig: you hear that craig

RIP Craig: we're gonna have an audience this time

RIP Craig: now i have even more of an incentive to majorly kick your ass

I'm a Loser: You caught me off guard before. I'm ready this time.

RIP Craig: yeah sure

RIP Craig: we’ll see

Gabe: I'll see you guys in a bit!

BRIAN HARDING: See ya!

Right Said B. Bread: See you guys!

Joseph: :)

**[Joseph] is offline.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is offline.**

**[I'm a Loser] is offline.**

**[Gothman] is offline.**

\--/--/--

**Private Message: [RIP Craig] & [Gabe].**

Gabe: So...

Gabe: Since when has he been Craig?

RIP Craig: i don't know what you're talking about

RIP Craig: would you believe me if i said i was being serious

Gabe: Not really.

Gabe: I'm pretty sure you'd just been calling him Cahn until very recently.

RIP Craig: maybe i forgot his first name until now

Gabe: His full name was in the group chat before everyone started changing nicknames.

RIP Craig: fuck

RIP Craig: okay i’m gonna be honest with you gabe

RIP Craig: i’ve been spending time with him and he's not as bad as i thought he would be

RIP Craig: because of the whole health nut shtick

RIP Craig: but i guess we're becoming acquaintances or something

Gabe: I'm surprised, actually. What spurred that on?

RIP Craig: after the tennis thing we just kinda

RIP Craig: hung out a few times

Gabe: Was that when you guys were out running?

RIP Craig: yeah

RIP Craig: gabe literally if you tell anyone

RIP Craig: i _will_ kill you

RIP Craig: no hesitation

Gabe: I wasn't planning on telling anyone! I was just curious.

Gabe: I'm glad you're getting out and doing stuff more often.

RIP Craig: it feels weird and i get tired _very_ quickly

RIP Craig: so i wouldn't call it getting out and doing stuff

RIP Craig: i get out and almost immediately go back home

RIP Craig: and then stay there for several days

Gabe: Crawl before you walk, walk before you run.

Gabe: I'm proud of you, Robert.

RIP Craig: ... 

**[RIP Craig] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for it and now I'm delivering
> 
> Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion to the emoji movie fiasco
> 
> Also! If anyone wants to shoot me an ask or chat about the fic so far, you can find me on Tumblr @ bloodmxrch!


	7. Gene the Hero (Also Joseph Has Another Idea)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gabriel and Craig finally get to see the emoji movie, and Joseph has some more fun group activity ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so I didn't mean to take as long as I did to finish this update!! This is kind of the start of the first official arc, so buckle up your seat belts kiddos

**[Gabe] is online.**

**[I’m a Loser] is online.**

**[RIP Craig] is online.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

Gabe: I just want everyone to know that Robert is a horrible person.

RIP Craig: what the fuck did i do

I’m a Loser: _You know what you did_

Gabe: I have never felt more betrayed in my entire life.

BRIAN HARDING: What happened??

Right Said B. Bread: Robert what did you do?

RIP Craig: are you guys really going to assume that i _actually_ did something

RIP Craig: once again you guys have no faith in me

Gabe: The lack of trust is completely reasonable.

Gabe: I think I’ll be joining them.

Right Said B. Bread: No but seriously what did he do?

Gabe: He took us to see the Emoji Movie.

BRIAN HARDING: i thought that was supposed to be a good thing??

Gabe: No.

I’m a Loser: Literally the exact opposite

Gabe: That is literally the worst movie I have seen in my entire life.

Gabe: And Amanda made me marathon every single movie Adam Sandler has ever been in over the course of two days.

I’m a Loser: The Speed Sandler Slam is brutal, bro

I’m a Loser: But Gabe’s right.

I’m a Loser: The Emoji Movie was worse than that

RIP Craig: you guys are over exaggerating

RIP Craig: what about all of the lovely people

RIP Craig: that spent all that time making it

Gabe: I doubt they had much say in that.

Gabe: I feel bad for them.

I’m a Loser: At least they got paid for it whether it was a hit or not

I’m a Loser: Since this is the furthest thing from a hit that has ever existed

Right Said B. Bread: Yikes was it really that bad?

BRIAN HARDING: I asked Daisy if she wanted to see it recently and now I guess I’m glad she said no

Gabe: Daisy is a smart kid.

RIP Craig: daisy just can’t appreciate art

RIP Craig: and gene’s emotional hero’s journey

Gabe: That is not at all the way I would describe… whatever the hell that was.

Gabe: I don’t know if I can forgive you for this.

I’m a Loser: Now I’m _really_ jived up to beat you at another match

I’m a Loser: Because to be honest you _really_ deserve it right now.

RIP Craig: i deserve nothing of the sort craig

RIP Craig: and quite frankly i’m offended that you would even suggest otherwise

Gabe: Craig’s right.

Gabe: That movie is going to haunt me for the rest of my days.

Gabe: And you have to pay for that somehow.

RIP Craig: would you forgive me if i let you pet

RIP Craig: a million dogs at once

Gabe: If somehow that were actually feasible, then _maybe_.

BRIAN HARDING: Now you’ve gone and done it Robert!

BRIAN HARDING: You treaded dangerous waters

BRIAN HARDING: And this is what you have to deal with now

BRIAN HARDING: Gabe is somethin’ else when he gets worked up

I’m a Loser: Dude has a _crazy_ temper sometimes.

RIP Craig: wait

RIP Craig: really

RIP Craig: uhh i mean gabe’s kinda scrawny tho

I’m a Loser: Not a relevant factor.

I’m a Loser: I’ve always been taller than Gabe since college and he actually suplexed me once

I’m a Loser: Can’t remember what lead up to that though

BRIAN HARDING: I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid getting caught in the crossfire but he sure is a deadly agent of chaos

Right Said B. Bread: I guess it’s a good thing I’ve never seen him that angry?

I’m a Loser: Yes it is

I’m a Loser: Consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

Gabe: Robert, I’m going to kick your ass.

Gabe: Scratch that.

Gabe: Robert, I’m going to learn how to properly fight.

Gabe: _Then_ I’m going to come back and _majorly_ kick your ass.

RIP Craig: i’d like to see you try gabe

RIP Craig: you wouldn’t hurt this face would you

RIP Craig: [IMG: sad face.png]

Gabe: Oh, I absolutely would.

I’m a Loser: Gotta be honest here

I’m a Loser: I’ve tried doing the same thing before.

I’m a Loser: If I would’ve known you were going to try that tactic then I would have warned you

RIP Craig: oh fuck am i really going to die

BRIAN HARDING: Maybe

RIP Craig: wait brian when have _you_ seen Gabe this pissed off before

BRIAN HARDING: we went mini-golfing over the weekend and things got very heated!

BRIAN HARDING: We're… not allowed to go there anymore.

RIP Craig: _what the fuck_

RIP Craig: _gabe_

Gabe: Robert…

Gabe: [IMG: FuckingSike.png]

RIP Craig:

RIP Craig: wait

RIP Craig: _wait_

RIP Craig: **_gabe_ **

RIP Craig: **_gabriel you motherfucker_ **

RIP Craig: **_did you really just fucking fool me like that_ **

RIP Craig: **_and you two chuckle fucks were in on it_ **

Gabe: I honestly didn’t expect that to happen.

I’m A Loser: You 100% deserved it, bro

BRIAN HARDING: ha! I can’t believe you actually fell for that!

RIP Craig: i h a t e all of you

RIP Craig: is this really your payback

RIP Craig: for making you watch the emoji movie

RIP Craig: you think you’re being clever huh

I’m a Loser: Clever or not, it was funny!

I’m a Loser: Now I know to be a little more cautious next time you want to take us somewhere.

Right Said B. Bread: That was hilarious!

Right Said B. Bread: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Robert actually… dare I say it…

Right Said B. Bread: _Scared_?

RIP Craig: mat

RIP Craig: mat sella

RIP Craig: mat fucking sella

RIP Craig: do i look like the kind of person to be scared of someone like _gabe_

RIP Craig: i’m like a head taller than him

RIP Craig: and at least ten thousand times stronger

Gabe: I don’t know, Robert. We haven’t actually fought before.

I’m a Loser: Maybe Gabe’s _strength_ is a cryptid

I’m a Loser: Nobody’s actually _seen_ it

Right Said B. Bread: It’s a conspiracy

RIP Craig: it’s really not

RIP Craig: i can guarantee that i’ve seen gabe and his strength

RIP Craig: or lack thereof

Gabe: Okay, rude.

Gabe: I could have been hiding my true strength…

RIP Craig: doubt it

RIP Craig: you almost started crying

Gabe: Hey!

BRIAN HARDING: did you really? What was it even over?

Gabe: Nothing!

RIP Craig: sure

RIP Craig: (he tried opening a jar of pickles for like five minutes and his hands were so slippery it eventually fell and shattered)

I’m a Loser: Oh man, not the pickles!

Right Said B. Bread: I gotta be honest here

Right Said B. Bread: The fact that it was pickles makes me less sympathetic toward the loss

RIP Craig: yeah pickles are gross so i just thought it was funny

Gabe: …

Gabe: Robert, I hate you.

Gabe: Very much right now.

RIP Craig: but gabwiel

RIP Craig: i thought we were fwiends

Gabe: Robert, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but I want you to stop.

RIP Craig: gabwiel pwease

RIP Craig: pwease don’t be mad at me gabwiel

I’m a Loser: Bro, what are you doing?

I’m a Loser: It’s weird and I don’t like it

RIP Craig: cwaig pwease

Right Said B. Bread: I think that’s my cue to leave.

Right Said B. Bread: @BRIAN HARDING and I are going to have lunch anyway

BRIAN HARDING: i’m ready when you are!!

**[Joseph] is online.**

Joseph: Hey guys!! I just had a great idea.

Joseph: We should all have a bake off!

Right Said B. Bread: A bake off! That sounds like fun

BRIAN HARDING: yeah it does!

Gabe: What will this bake off entail?

Joseph: We get up into teams and assign the other team a random recipe, and see who does the best with making what they were assigned!

Joseph: Or we can all make the same recipe and see whose tastes better!

BRIAN HARDING: oh we’re doing teams? Sounds great!

Gabe: Oh!

Gabe: @Gothman

**[Gothman] is online.**

Gabe: Damien, Joseph just had the idea of a bake off! We should be a team together!

Gothman: Oh, that sounds like fun.

Gothman: I’d love to be on a team with you, Gabriel. :)

Gabe: Great!! So we’re a team, @Joseph.

Joseph: @BRIAN HARDING, do you want to be on a team together?

BRIAN HARDING: sure thing bud!! This is gonna be a lot of fun!

Right Said B. Bread: @The Eastern Dragon

Right Said B. Bread: Hey Hugo do you want to be partners for a bake off?

**[The Eastern Dragon] is online.**

The Eastern Dragon: Oh, is there going to be a bake off?

The Eastern Dragon: I’m not much of a baker, but this sounds like fun.

The Eastern Dragon: Sure, let’s be partners, Mat!

Right Said B. Bread: Sweet!

Gabe: @RIP Craig @I’m a Loser

Gabe: What about you guys? You’ve been awfully quiet.

RIP Craig: i’m going solo

I’m a Loser: I think I’m going to fly this on my own!

RIP Craig: oh _really_ now craig

RIP Craig: you’re going solo

I’m a Loser: Yeah bro, this is another _great_ opportunity to beat you at something

Gabe: Oh boy.

Joseph: It would be fun if the two of you paired up, since the rest of us are on teams!

RIP Craig: yeah funny

RIP Craig: anyway

RIP Craig: craig i’m not a good baker but i’m gonna learn how to bake

RIP Craig: just so i can kick your ass at something again

RIP Craig: it doesn’t have to be tennis

RIP Craig: i gave you that nickname for a reason

I’m a Loser: Oh yeah?

I’m a Loser: I have three kids.

I’m a Loser: Baking is in my _blood_ at this point.

**[I’m a Loser] name change by [RIP Craig]: [Craigory Cahnathan].**

**[RIP Craig] name change: [Bobert Smallington].**

Bobert Smallington: doesn’t matter

Bobert Smallington: i still hold dominion over this land

Gabe: Why did you change your nickname too, Robert?

Bobert Smallington: wanted to spice things up

Bobert Smallington: i dunno

Craigory Cahnathan: Just you wait

Craigory Cahnathan: I’ll beat you at this. I can promise you that.

Joseph: Okay so I have the teams written down!

Joseph: The lineup is Mat/Hugo, Me/Brian, Gabriel/Damien, and Robert and Craig… are going solo!

Craigory Cahnathan: Sounds like good teams! I can’t wait

BRIAN HARDING: when do you want to have it?

Gabe: That’s a good question.

Gabe: I may need some time to practice.

Gabe: I’m...  not a baker.

Bobert Smallington: yeah you’re really not

Bobert Smallington: like at all

Bobert: it’s almost scary how much of a fire hazard you are

Gothman: Try not to worry too much, Gabriel. Being on a team together will make it easier to learn.

Gabe: I still want to be on the safe side.

Gabe: Do you… mind if we make something together to practice?

Gothman: That would be lovely.

Joseph: Let’s have it sometime next week! That way everyone has a little time to brush off their baking aprons before the event!

Craigory Cahnathan: Alright guys, let’s do this!

Bobert Smallington: a week is more than enough time for me to become a baking master

Bobert Smallington: get ready to eat shit craig

Gabe: Those are fighting words, Robert.

Gabe: Are you just trying to beat Craig, or are you forgetting the other teams already?

Bobert Smallington: you guys don’t matter

Bobert Smallington: this is between craig and i

Bobert Smallington: i _have_ to beat him

Craigory Cahnathan: I think you mean you have to _lose_.

Bobert Smallington: fuck you craig

Gothman: @Gabe We can work out details about our baking practice in a private chat, if you wish.

Gabe: Yeah, that would be great!

Joseph @everyone Let’s get to cracking those eggs and getting those whisks, then! See you all at the bake off next week!

Gabe: See ya!

Gothman: I can’t wait. :)

BRIAN HARDING: see ya guys then!!

The Eastern Dragon: We’ll be ready!

Right Said B. Bread: Alright Brian, let’s get to lunch!!

BRIAN HARDING: yeah let’s!! I’m hungry

Craigory Cahnathan: Later dudes!

Bobert Smallington: i have my fucking eyes on you craig

Bobert Smallington: you better be careful

Gabe: Children, behave.

Bobert Smallington: i do what i want gabe you can’t stop me

**[Joseph] is offline.**

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is offline.**

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is offline.**

**[Bobert Smallington] is offline.**

 --/--/--

**Private Message: [Gothman] & [Gabe].**

Gothman: If you’d like to practice baking something then I would be glad to offer the help.

Gabe: That would be great, Damien. I appreciate it.

Gabe: Maybe we can start with something small?

Gothman: A cake, or perhaps a tray of brownies should be relatively simple.

Gabe: Uhh, maybe the cake? I’ve kind of made a few before.

Gabe: They were edible and frosted, but they weren’t the best.

  
Gothman: We’ll start there, then.

Gabe: You can come over any time this week for the practice. Just let me know when you can do it.

Gothman: I should be available tomorrow. :)

Gabe: Great! We can go grocery shopping if I don’t have all the ingredients at home.

Gabe: Maybe I should check now, actually.

Gothman: I have confidence that you’ll be able to do this without much trouble.

  
Gabe: We’ll see.

  
Gabe: I was putting it _lightly_ when I said I wasn’t a baker.

Gothman: I haven’t seen you try yet, so I can’t pass any judgement on the truth of your statement.

  
Gothman: I doubt that you are as bad as you say you are.

Gabe: You’d be surprised, Damien.

  
Gabe: Anyway, thank you again for offering to help before the bake off. I’m going to go eat lunch, so I’ll talk to you later?

Gothman: I’ll talk to you later, Gabriel.

Gabe: :)

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**[Gothman] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if this wasn't as funny as any previous chapters; since this is the start of an arc, I wanted to establish some conversations to help lead into it as well as bring some focus in the characters and whatnot. I definitely have a lot planned for this story as a whole, so eventually it may begin straying away from pure, 100% shit post... who knows...
> 
> And, as always, if you'd like to send a message to me about the fic and whatnot, you can find me on Tumblr at bloodmxrch!


	8. Fries, Heaven, NOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some more trash talk is tossed around and there's a craving for some Beef Buddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you for being so patient for an update! I lost a bit of momentum for this story and had life stuff keeping me busy, so it was kinda hard to get  
> back into the swing of things. As a result, this chapter  
> is kind of short, but hopefully I'll catch a second wind  
> and start cranking out new chapters again!

**Private Message: [Gabe] & [Craigory Cahnathan].**

Gabe: Hey bro! Are you ready for the bake off?

Craigory Cahnathan: Oh yeah totally! This is gonna be a lot of fun

Gabe: I know! Kudos to Joseph for coming up with the idea.

Gabe: I'm still surprised you're going solo, though.

Craigory Cahnathan: Ah, I guess I'm itching to get Robert at another competition

Craigory Cahnathan: He's pulling out that sore loser in me again…

Gabe: I didn't think he'd get under your skin like that. You haven't been this competitive in years.

Craigory Cahnathan: It's surprising to me too, bro

Craigory Cahnathan: Like

Craigory Cahnathan: We didn’t really talk all that much before?

Craigory Cahnathan: He always shows up to the barbecues even though he’s just kind of on his own for the most part

Gabe: Really? I figured he was home most of the time.

Craigory Cahnathan: Nah man, for whatever reason he always comes to join us, even if he doesn’t talk to anyone

Craigory Cahnathan: He’s been way more chatty lately though

Gabe: I’m proud of him for that, you know?

  
Craigory Cahnathan: Fuck yeah man, me too

Craigory Cahnathan: Okay I gotta dip out really quick. Getting breakfast for the kids now that they’re awake

Gabe: I’ll catch you later?

  
Craigory Cahnathan: Yeah!

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is offline.**

**Group Message: [Emoji Movie Enthusiasts].**

**[Bobert Smallington] is online.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is online.**

**[The Eastern Dragon] is online.**

**[Gabe] is online.**

**[Gothman] is online.**

Gothman: Does anyone happen to have an extra whisk they wouldn’t mind parting with?

Bobert Smallington: why what happened

Gothman: Mine is broken.

Gabe: I’m so sorry!!!!

Right Said B. Bread: Yeah I might have one I could give you, let me check

The Eastern Dragon: Why are you apologizing, Gabe?

Bobert Smallington: yeah gabe what did you do

Gabe: I, uh.

Gabe: I might have broken Damien’s whisk.

Bobert Smallington: _how_

Right Said B. Bread: I have an extra whisk you can have, Damien. :)

Gothman: Thank you, Mat! I appreciate it.

Bobert Smallington: i really do need to know how gabe broke yours in the first place

Bobert Smallington: we already established that he’s very weak

Gabe: >:(

Gabe: I’m not _that_ weak, Robert. Now you’re just being rude.

The Eastern Dragon: Relative strength aside, I’m curious too. How _did_ you manage to break it?

Gabe: I don’t know! I was stirring some batter, and the thing just kinda… snapped in half.

The Eastern Dragon: Unless Damien’s whisk was made out of wood, that’s pretty surprising to me.

Right Said B. Bread: Even if it _was_ made out of wood I’d still be surprised

Gothman: I’m not quite sure how it was broken myself.

Gothman: The batter spilled out of the mixing bowl as well, but Gabriel was gracious enough to clean the mess before I could go to help.

Gabe: I wasn’t going to make you clean up my mess.

Bobert Smallington: wait

Bobert Smallington: ten bucks says gabe made the batter so thick it wouldn’t stir and he broke the whisk trying to force it

Right Said B. Bread: That’s gotta be some thick batter for it to just break a whisk like that

Gabe: Robert, I hate you.

Bobert Smallington: so am i hearing that i’m right

The Eastern Dragon: How are you guys going to win the bake off like that?

Gabe: We're working on it! >:(

Gothman: It's a work in progress, Hugo, but we'll win.

Bobert Smallington: you’re funny

Right Said B. Bread: I hate to break it to you guys, but I _am_ a baker

Right Said B. Bread: So you might have a bit of a tough time. ;)

Bobert Smallington: fuck i forgot about that

Bobert Smallington: mat is it too late to get into a group of three

Right Said B. Bread: I’m afraid so, Robert.

Gabe: What happened to going solo to beat Craig?

Bobert Smallington: still gonna happen

Bobert Smallington: _i’m determined_

The Eastern Dragon: Well, if we're finished with our routine trash talk, does anyone want to join me for trivia night?

Right Said B. Bread: I can join you, bud

Right Said B. Bread: Sounds like fun!

The Eastern Dragon: Great! I can treat you to some dinner while we're at it if you'd like. :)

Right Said B. Bread: We can split the bill, Hugo. I'm in though!

Gabe: Hope you guys have fun!

Bobert Smallington: go kick some ass with fun facts and whatever else trivia nights have

The Eastern Dragon: Thanks, Robert! I think we can win tonight.

The Eastern Dragon: Brian and Daisy are regulars, and they're a tough team to beat.

Gabe: Good luck tonight, guys!

Gothman: I wish the two of you luck as well. :)

Bobert Smallington: @Gabe i'm picking you up and we're going to eat greasy fast food

Gabe: Haven't you been trying to eat healthier and exercise with Craig?

Bobert Smallington: i can go at my own pace and right now my pace is walking from my truck in the parking lot to the fast food place and getting a fucking burger

Bobert Smallington: i need some beef buddy fries

Gabe: I still don't know why they're called Beef Buddy.

Bobert Smallington: neither do i but it won’t stop me from getting those fries

Gabe: Okay, okay, fine. I'll be ready in ten minutes.

Bobert Smallington: fuck yeah

Right Said B. Bread: I'm about to open up, so I'll talk to you guys later!

Gabe: See you, Mat!

Bobert Smallington: yeah see ya

**[Right Said B. Bread] is offline.**

The Eastern Dragon: I'm off to go set up for my first period. I'll talk to you guys later as well.

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

Bobert Smallington: hey dames do you wanna go to beef buddy with us

Gothman: I would be happy to. :)

Gabe: Perfect! I'm almost ready, so we can head out whenever.

Gothman: I’m ready to leave now.

Bobert Smallington: alright nice

Bobert Smallington: come outside bitches

Bobert Smallington: we’re getting beef buddy fries

Gothman: I don't believe I've been there before.

Gabe: It's pretty greasy, but pretty good.

Gabe: It might be a 50/50 on whether you like it or not.

Bobert Smallington: if you don't like it you’ll be dead to me damien

Gothman: I suppose we'll see, then.

Gothman: Isn't it a little early to be getting fast food?

Bobert Smallington: they have a breakfast menu

Bobert Smallington: i’ll get coffee and fries

Gabe: That's not breakfast, Robert. That's a health hazard.

Bobert Smallington: who said anything about me caring about “health hazards"

Gabe: I think Amanda threw up there once.

Bobert Smallington: you see

Bobert Smallington: they still have the stains?

Gabe: I'm not sure. We haven't been in a few years.

Bobert Smallington: if it is then we have to sit by it

Gabe: That's kind of gross, but okay…?

Bobert Smallington: wait shit we're supposed to be. driving there right now

Bobert Smallington: hurry up and get outside

Bobert Smallington: you can flirt on the way there

Gabe: That's not…!

Gabe: That's not why we're not out yet! Damien is at his own house!

Gothman: I'll be out in a moment.

Bobert Smallington: fries! heaven! now!

Gabe: Okay, okay! Let's go.

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**[Gothman] is offline.**

**[Bobert Smallington] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, if you want to message me about the story  
> (or just say hey,) then you can find me on Tumblr at  
> bloodmxrch!  
> If by some strange chance there are some people who  
> want to send me something related to the fic, I also  
> have a currently empty blog with the url cul-de-chat! I'll  
> see you guys in the next update!


	9. Gabe's Regrets (Plus More Bake Off Talk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's some genuine chatting and bonding that occurs before the bake off and the mess that is sure to ensue because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, bit of an uneventful chapter again, but next chapter is going to wrap up the bake off! The next mini arc will likely start as soon as this arc is over, so get ready for some plot!

**[Bobert Smallington] is online.**

**[Gothman] is online.**

**[Gabe] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

**[The Eastern Dragon] is online.**

 

Bobert Smallington: holy shit i almost forgot about beef buddy

Bobert Smallington: @Gabe @Gothman

Gabe: I'm so sorry Damien!!!

Gothman: It is quite alright, Gabriel. You don't have to fuss over it.

BRIAN HARDING: what happened? 

BRIAN HARDING: You’ve been apologizing for a few different things lately gabe

Gabe: Damien, Robert, and I went to Beef Buddy a few days ago.

Bobert Smallington: we got some fries and they were delicious

Bobert Smallington: and i guess gabe forgot that dames is a vegetarian 

Gabe: I didn't mean to!!!

Gothman: I admit it was a little misleading to not say anything until you and Robert were about to order.

Bobert Smallington: but it was so fucking funny to see the look of abject horror on gabe’s face

Gabe: I feel so bad for forgetting.

Gabe: Beef Buddy is probably the farthest thing you can get from vegetarian.

Bobert Smallington: some boyfriend you are lmao

BRIAN HARDING: haha! It was an honest mistake gabe! 

BRIAN HARDING: Oh Hugo! Good seeing you and Mat for trivia night a few days ago! @The Eastern Dragon

The Eastern Dragon: Good seeing you too, Brian! That was quite a challenge!

The Eastern Dragon: You and Daisy really had us on the ropes.

BRIAN HARDING: we’ll get you next time!

The Eastern Dragon: We’ll see! 

The Eastern Dragon: How about another friendly bet?

BRIAN HARDING: oh? What’d ya have in mind?

The Eastern Dragon: Just something small again. Loser treats the other team to dinner?

BRIAN HARDING: sounds like a good bet!

Bobert Smallington: wh 

Bobert Smallington: this is the most civil competition i have ever seen

Gabe: It's almost like not everyone is as competitive as you are, Robert.

Bobert Smallington: maybe so

Gothman: Gabriel, that actually sounds like fun. Would you like to try your hand at a trivia night sometime?

Gabe: Maybe! I'm a little rusty on my repertoire of fun facts.

The Eastern Dragon: You should definitely come by and compete sometime! It's a lot of fun.

BRIAN HARDING: yeah for sure! 

BRIAN HARDING: you too Robert!

Bobert Smallington: do you think i’d be able to convince craig to do a trivia night

Gabe: Are you just looking for more things to beat Craig in or something?

Bobert Smallington: of course i am gabe

Bobert Smallington: what kind of fucking fool do you take me for 

Gabe: I don't think you can go solo on trivia nights?

The Eastern Dragon: There need to be teams of at least two.

Gabe: Why not see if Joseph wants to pair up for it, then?

Bobert Smallington: lmao fuck no why would i ask him

Bobert Smallington: i can ask mary to come with

Gabe: Uh...okay? Just offering a suggestion. Mary’s good, too.

Gabe: We can probably put this on the back burner for now until the bake off is over anyway.

Gothman: Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

Gothman: It's coming up soon, and we still need to perfect our craft.

Bobert Smallington: there’s no craft to perfect if you don’t have one in the first place

The Eastern Dragon: That was a little harsh.

Bobert Smallington: if someone’s kitchen catches on fire trying to melt some chocolate in a microwave then it’ll just be fact

BRIAN HARDING: that was a specific example!

Gabe: Have… have you done that before, Robert?

Bobert Smallington: no it wasn't me

Bobert Smallington: i tried baking something with uh

Bobert Smallington: tried baking something with _mary_ and we were both shit faced

Bobert Smallington: so i didn’t notice her setting it to nuke the chocolate 

Bobert Smallington: and things went horribly wrong

Gabe: I. I forgot that the actual real bake off is tomorrow.

The Eastern Dragon: I forgot too! I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.

  
Bobert Smallington: you literally have mat on your team

Bobert Smallington: there’s already an unfair advantage

Gabe: You could have asked to partner up with Mat yourself, you know.

Bobert Smallington: my victory over craig has to be organic

Bobert Smallington: a baker like that on my team would have made the victory almost pointless

The Eastern Dragon: So how’s the bake off actually going to work?

BRIAN HARDING: i don’t think Joseph ever actually told us?

Gothman: Oh, you’re right! We had ideas, but nothing was ever decided on.

Gothman: @Joseph How exactly is the bake off going to work tomorrow?

**[Joseph] is online.**

Joseph: Oh hey guys!

Joseph: I decided that we would all make the same recipe and have impartial third parties judge to see who wins.

Gabe: So you mean our kids?

Bobert Smallington: so like children

Bobert Smallington: yeah

Joseph: Yes, that’s exactly what I had in mind! We just don’t tell them whose entries are who's so they won’t be biased either.

The Eastern Dragon: That sounds like a great idea. 

BRIAN HARDING: where are we gonna meet up?

Bobert Smallington: how was none of this decided ahead of time

Bobert Smallington: this is being planned  _ so  _ well right now

Joseph: We can just all meet up at my house!

Gabe: Sounds good to me.

Gothman: I’m assuming this isn’t going to be kept under a close enough watch to ensure that there are no box recipes being used?

Joseph: I think I can trust most of you to be able to bake your goods without any extra help. :)

The Eastern Dragon: And the recipe?

Joseph: Yes, the recipe! The most important part of this whole thing.

Joseph: @everyone 

Joseph: The recipe we’re using for the bake off tomorrow is going to be a chai apple bundt cake!

Bobert Smallington: a what now

BRIAN HARDING: sounds delicious! I can’t wait to make it.

Gabe: Ah… lovely... 

Gothman: We can do this, Gabriel. Try not to worry.

Gabe: If you say so... 

**[Right Said B. Bread] is online.**

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is online.**

 

Craigory Cahnathan: Hey!

Craigory Cahnathan: oh is that the recipe for the bake off tomorrow?

Right Said B. Bread: Sorry fellas, but I think Hugo and I have this one.

The Eastern Dragon: That actually doesn’t sound like it’ll be too difficult!

Bobert Smallington: i think it’s safe to say that i’m gonna kick all of your asses

Craigory Cahnathan: I’ve made bundt cake before! This is gonna be great!

Craigory Cahnathan: Thanks for letting me know! I’ll see you guys tomorrow night!

Joseph: No problem! We’ll be seeing you, Craig. :)

Bobert Smallington: yeah see you later loser

Craigory Cahnathan: Big talk. Get ready to lose, bro. ;)

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is offline.**

Bobert Smallington: that prick

Bobert Smallington: didn’t even let me have the last word

Joseph: You ready, Brian?

BRIAN HARDING: yeah for sure! 

BRIAN HARDING: we’ll all have some good dessert left over once the judging is finished too!

Right Said B. Bread: You said we’re going to ask our kids to be judges, right?

Joseph: Yes!

Right Said B. Bread: This is gonna be great

Right Said B. Bread: Hugo and I are going to have a field day tomorrow! It’ll be good practice for some new goods at the shop too.

Bobert Smallington: oh fuck yum i forgot that this shit is actually food

Bobert Smallington: i’m already getting hungry

Gabe: Have you eaten today, Robert?

Bobert Smallington: what

Bobert Smallington: of  _ course _ i have gabe

Gothman: With all due respect, Robert, I don’t find that entirely believable.

BRIAN HARDING: we’re having pulled pork sandwiches for dinner today if you want to join us Robert!

Bobert Smallington: okay listen damien

Bobert Smallington: why would i lie to you about something like this

Gothman: Because you wouldn’t want me to bother you about it.

Bobert Smallington: you know what brian that sounds good

Bobert Smallington: yeah i’ll come over

Bobert Smallington:  _ okay listen damien _

BRIAN HARDING: great! I’ll be sure to set up the extra space for you buddy!

Joseph: I’m assuming you’ve had something along the lines of whiskey and a bag of chips?

Joseph: I wish I could stick around and chat more, but Mary and I are wrapping up dinner. I’ll see you guys tomorrow!

Gabe: See you!

BRIAN HARDING: see ya buddy!

Bobert Smallington:

**[Joseph] is offline.**

Gabe: Huh. I didn’t know you could send a blank message.

Gabe: But yeah, Robert’s done the whiskey/chip combo before.

Gabe:  _ Please _ tell me you’ve eaten actual food today, Robert.

Bobert Smallington: gabe why do you literally have 0% faith in me

Gabe: I’m only looking out for you, buddy.

Bobert Smallington: this is bullying

Bobert Smallington: i’ve eaten instant ramen and powerade

Gabe: That’s… considerably better than I thought.

Gothman: Nice job, Robert. :)

BRIAN HARDING: yeah i’m proud of you buddy!

BRIAN HARDING: food’s starting up now if you wanted to come over a bit early!

Bobert Smallington: sure

Bobert Smallington: is The Game gonna be on?

BRIAN HARDING: you know it!

Gothman: Would you and Amanda like to have dinner with me as well, Gabriel?

Gabe: Oh! I can ask Manda real quick but I’m sure she’d love to!

BRIAN HARDING: oh mat! hugo! Are you free tonight?

Right Said B. Bread: Uh I should be, why? 

BRIAN HARDING: i still owe you guys dinner from last trivia night! You guys should come by too!

The Eastern Dragon: I had something come up last minute, so I’m busy tonight. Sorry!

Right Said B. Bread: Sounds great! Thanks man!

BRIAN HARDING: of course! I’ll set up the cooler and tv so the three of us can watch The Game together :)

BRIAN HARDING: no worries Hugo! I can treat you some other time!

The Eastern Dragon: Thanks, Brian!

The Eastern Dragon: I should be free this weekend. Did you want to plan something then?

BRIAN HARDING: yeah totally! just hit me up!

The Eastern Dragon: :)

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

Bobert Smallington: i’ll be over in like 10 mins

Right Said B. Bread: Yeah same

BRIAN HARDING: great!

BRIAN HARDING: this’ll be a nice prelude to the bake off tomorrow

Bobert Smallington: if you’re trying to appeal to my softer side so you’ll beat me out then it’s not gonna work 

Right Said B. Bread: I can’t believe it! Trying to catch us with our guard down. 

BRIAN HARDING: ah, you caught me red handed, haha!

BRIAN HARDING: drinks are set up! You guys can come on over whenever!

Bobert Smallington: oh fuck yeah let’s go

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is offline.**

**[Bobert Smallington] is offline.**

Gabe: Amanda and I can head over whenever you’re ready as well, @Gothman. 

Gothman: Everything is well underway. You’re free to come over now, if you wish. :)

Bobert Smallington: if you help him make dinner you better not burn down his kitchen gabe

Gabe: >:(

Gabe: I thought you were offline!

Bobert Smallington: you  _ thought _   
  


\--/--/--

**Private Message: [Joseph] & [Gabe].**

Joseph: Hey Gabe, I wanted to ask a favor of you.

Gabe: Sure, what’s up?

Joseph: Do you think it would be too much trouble to try and get Robert and Craig onto a team together before tomorrow?

Gabe: Uh, I can try? 

Gabe: I don’t think it should be too much of an issue, though. They’ll be fine.

Joseph: You have a point.

Joseph: It just seems a little silly for a friendly partner competition to have people that don’t have partners, you know?

Gabe: If both of their cakes turn out to taste good, then the more entries the merrier.

Gabe: I’m always up for some good cake.

Joseph: Hmm, I suppose you’re right.

Joseph: Thanks anyway. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. :)

Gabe: Likewise! May the best bakers win!

**[Gabe] is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, if you want to message/yell at me about the story, you can drop by at bloodmxrch on Tumblr!


	10. Of Betrayal and Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the results of the bake-off are discussed and Halloween is fast approaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wwooAAH another chapter!!! It's been a long time, hooo boy. This one's shorter than I would've liked, but I've been going through some nasty writer's block with this story (as well as putting a lot of love and focus into a different one.) With that being said, I'm still struggling a bit with this, but I'm determined to finish this story at some point! Here you go. Take it. It's all I have to give as of right now.

**[Gabe] is online.**

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is online.**

**Private Message: [Gabe] & [Craigory Cahnathan].**

Gabe: Hey Craig?

Craigory Cahnathan: What’s up?

Gabe: I need your insight on something.

Craigory Cahnathan: Oh? what is it?

Gabe: How can you tell if someone is interested in you?

Gabe: Like, romantically.

Craigory Cahnathan: Hmm

Craigory Cahnathan: Depending on how they are they might try flirting with you

Craigory Cahnathan: Some are more subtle than others

Gabe: So… subtle or not, would you be able to make a fair guess if you looked for it?

Craigory Cahnathan: I would say yeah

Craigory Cahnathan: Why do you ask?

Gabe: Uh.

Gabe: I think someone is flirting with me?

Craigory Cahnathan: Oh boy.

Craigory Cahnathan: They _do_ know you and Damien are a thing, right?

Gabe: I would hope so.

Gabe: We’re… friends? We don't talk much, but we’ve hung out a few times.

Craigory Cahnathan: _Well_

Craigory Cahnathan: If they try to make any moves on you then shut that shit down dude!

Craigory Cahnathan: I can get you an “I have a Boyfriend” tee if it’ll help

Gabe: That may be a little much.

Gabe: Wait, do you still have your “I have a Brofriend" shirt?

Craigory Cahnathan: You know it dude!

Craigory Cahnathan: That's where I got the idea from!

Gabe: I don't even think mine fits anymore.

Craigory Cahnathan: Come on bro, I'm sure it does!

Gabe: College was a long time ago. You'd be surprised at the weight I've put on since then.

Gabe: And I haven’t exactly had the motivation to try and lose some of it again.

Craigory Cahnathan: Wanna join me and Robert on a run tomorrow, then?

Gabe: What?

Gabe: How often has Robert been running with you?

Craigory Cahnathan: He drops by every so often

Craigory Cahnathan: I'm pretty sure he only tried running twice and almost died?

Craigory Cahnathan: So he just kinda jogs very slowly and we meet up where we started afterward

Gabe: Huh.

Gabe: Sure, then. I'll join you guys.

Craigory Cahnathan: Sweet! We can catch up a bit more too :D

Craigory Cahnathan: Let me know how the flirting thing goes, yeah?

Gabe: Yeah, I will. I'm not too eager about this situation.

Craigory Cahnathan: That’s fair

Craigory Cahnathan: Good luck, buddy

Gabe: Thanks, Craig. I appreciate it.

**Group message: [Emoji Movie Enthusiasts].**

**[The Eastern Dragon] is online.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is online.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is online.**

**[Gothman] is online.**

**[Bobert Smallington] is online.**

**[Joseph] is online.**

Right Said B. Bread: Congrats @Craigory Cahnathan!

Craigory Cahnathan: Thanks dude!

**[Bobert Smallington] name change: [FUCK YOU].**

FUCK YOU: you’re actually the worst

FUCK YOU: i have nothing but contempt in my heart right now

BRIAN HARDING: aw don’t be upset Robert! Your cake was delicious too!

FUCK YOU: that doesn’t matter

FUCK YOU: _i lost_

The Eastern Dragon: We lost too, Robert! It was a close one.

BRIAN HARDING: we were all betrayed by our own children!

Gabe: Amanda has officially been branded as a traitor.

Joseph: Yes, congrats on the win, Craig! That was quite the cake you had.

Gabe: It was amazing! You really pulled through there.

Gothman: Gabriel is not the only one. Lucien has also been branded as a traitor.

BRIAN HARDING: my only consolation is the fact that we all get to eat some good cake to help soothe the wounds of defeat

Craigory Cahnathan: This was fun guys! I say that we do this again sometime

FUCK YOU: no

Gabe: That would be fun!

Gabe: I could do with some more baking practice.

Joseph: We could all do with some more practice if the unanimous vote is anything to go by!

The Eastern Dragon: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a group of children _all_ agree on something so quickly.

Right Said B. Bread: It was pretty impressive

Right Said B. Bread: You wanna come by and bake some stuff for The Coffee Spoon sometime, Craig?

Craigory Cahnathan: You’re the real baker here, bro!

  
Craigory Cahnathan: I’d be happy to drop by and bake with you though!!

Right Said B. Bread: That would be fun! Let me know when you’re free and we can try out some new recipes I have

Craigory Cahnathan: Sure thing!!

Craigory Cahnathan: @Joseph I’m glad you put this thing on!!! It was a cool idea

Joseph: I’m glad too! We also got to spend some great quality time together.

FUCK YOU: “quality time”

FUCK YOU: yeah okay

The Eastern Dragon: I think I’m going to have to live with being covered in flour for the rest of my life.

Right Said B. Bread: Such is the curse of a baker 

Craigory Cahnathan: I guess it’s just something we’ll have to live with…

FUCK YOU: i dunno about you losers but i’m not living with _shit_

Gabe: I would rather run a marathon than to be perpetually covered in flour. 

FUCK YOU: i would rather die than run a marathon

FUCK YOU: are you fucking crazy gabe

Gabe: ...I see your point.

Gabe: Maybe just a little, then.

Joseph: Things should be looking a little crazy soon, now that you mention it.

Gothman: Why?

Joseph: Halloween is coming up soon!

FUCK YOU: who cares about halloween this year it’s on like a fucking monday

FUCK YOU: that's gross

Gabe: Oh! I totally forgot about Halloween. It’s… next week, right?

Joseph: Yes, it is! I’ve been planning a party at the church for it like nobody’s business.

Gothman: Glad to hear that you’re working hard, Joseph. What do you have planned?

Joseph: Thank you! So far there’s a dance and some games along with a haunted house. Things have been coming together pretty nicely.

FUCK YOU: dames you don’t have to act like you’re interested in children screaming and running amok

FUCK YOU: nasty little gremlins, they are

FUCK YOU: demanding candy like you’re obligated to give it to them

Gothman: While some children can be more on the rowdy side, for the most part if you know how to work with them they are more than willing to cause less of a ruckus.

BRIAN HARDING: it’s Halloween Robert! Of course you’re supposed to give the kids candy!

The Eastern Dragon: I guess I haven't found out how to work with kids just yet, then. Ernest is… Ernest is a bit of a challenge.

Craigory Cahnathan: Dude I feel you

Craigory Cahnathan: The twins are hell to control sometimes

FUCK YOU: and it’s only gonna get worse now that halloween's coming up

FUCK YOU: i’m not helping anyone with damage control

Gabe: Aw, come on, Robert. Don’t be like that. 

FUCK YOU: dont come crying to me when amanda gets candy corn shoved up her nose and you have to dig around with tweezers to get it back out

Gabe: Amanda’s a young adult now. She wouldn’t do something like that.

Gabe: …

Gabe: I think.

FUCK YOU: exactly

FUCK YOU:  _ wait hold on _

FUCK YOU:  _ you  _ **_fools_ **

Gabe: What? What is it?

FUCK YOU:  **_costume contest_ **

FUCK YOU: what kind of fucking idiots would we be if we didn't have a costume contest

Craigory Cahnathan: Now we're talking!

Craigory Cahnathan: I'm always up for some more friendly competition!

FUCK YOU: who said this was going to be friendly

BRIAN HARDING: I think we should go with friendly! 

The Eastern Dragon: There's no reason why it shouldn't be at least a  _ little…  _ passionate.

FUCK YOU: see

FUCK YOU: hugo’s got the right idea

Right Said B. Bread: I can make some mean costumes, so you guys better watch out.

FUCK YOU: gonna say it now though

FUCK YOU: dames you're not allowed to use your regular outfits to be a vampire again

FUCK YOU: everyone knows you're just like that already

Gothman: …

Gothman: Fine. If you insist.

FUCK YOU: yes i do insist that’s why i asked

FUCK YOU: okay what's the prize though 

Right Said B. Bread: Maybe I can make some special Halloween cookies?

Gabriel: Or we could get a bunch of discount candy right after Halloween as a sort of betting pool.

FUCK YOU: are we really going to gamble candy like animals

Craigory Cahnathan: That's a lot of sugar, man

Craigory Cahnathan: I don't know if that's a good idea?

FUCK YOU: are you really telling me you're not gonna give yourself a cheat day so you can enjoy some delicious fucking sweetness

FUCK YOU: on  ** _halloween_** of all holidays

FUCK YOU: oh wait also

**[Emoji Movie Enthusiasts] name change by [FUCK YOU]: [Halloween Bitches].**

FUCK YOU: getting into the halloween spirit

Craigory Cahnathan: ...It  _ has  _ been awhile since I've given myself a cheat day…

FUCK YOU: see

FUCK YOU: there's no harm in indulging every once in awhile

Joseph: It's settled, then! A costume contest where discount post-Halloween candy is at stake!

The Eastern Dragon: This is exciting, actually! 

BRIAN HARDING: yeah! I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with!

Gabe: Same here! I'm much better at costume making than I am with baking, so I'll have a decent shot at actually  _ winning  _ this time.

FUCK YOU: don’t get your hopes up too much gabe

FUCK YOU: i've got some tasty shit in store 

Gabe: Oh, so do I, Robert. Just you wait. ;)

FUCK YOU: don’t start with me gabe 

FUCK YOU: you're on thin fucking ice

Gabe: :)

**[The Eastern Dragon] is offline.**

**[FUCK YOU] is offline.**

**[BRIAN HARDING] is offline.**

**[Craigory Cahnathan] is offline.**

**[Right Said B. Bread] is offline.**

**[Gothman] is offline.**

**Private Message: [Joseph] & [Gabe].** 

Joseph: Hey, Gabe?

Gabe: What’s up?

Joseph: I almost forgot to ask before everyone else went offline, but I was wondering if you’d like to help with setting up the Halloween stuff at the church. I’d really appreciate the extra set of hands.

Gabe: Oh, I’d be more than happy to help! I can ask Damien if he’d be able to help as well!

Gabe: Joseph? You still there?

Joseph: Yeah, I am. Sorry, something came up suddenly and I had to step away for a second.

Joseph: But yes, I’d really appreciate it. There’s a lot to set up still, so the more the merrier.

Gabe: Great! I’m going out for breakfast with Damien tomorrow, so I’ll ask him about it then. See you later!

Joseph: See you later.

**[Joseph] is offline.**

**[Gabe] is offline.**


End file.
